. . to title my blog post "Xdpo". But that's what this is. One of those annoying, grating countdowns of someone hopelessly obsessing about what might be happening, and how soon I might find out what might be happening.
This morning is 8dpo, or 5dp3dt. I used up my last remaining FRER when I got up today, just to make sure the trigger was out of my system. The stark white negative was both reassuring (it's gone), and disappointing (though I am realistic enough to know that it is WAY TOO FUCKING EARLY. And that I really should stop peeing on things.)
I don't think I'll test again until next week. Thursday, Christmas Eve, will be 14dpo, or 11dp3dt. We will be out of town, so I'm not sure I'll be able to get a beta, though the RE offered to arrange one for me. I'm not sure I want one. Part of me wants to cling onto the hope that this just might work for as long as possible. That way, a negative HPT on Christmas won't be a total blow, the death knell of our very first IVF cycle.
Can you sense the pessimism creeping in? There's reason for it. Mo and I are still fighting, though not about the same thing as yesterday. Ok, I guess it is the same thing as yesterday, but not the same thing as the day before. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm frustrated and pissed off and resigned all at the same time. Is this EVER going to stop? Is life with him always going to be a rollercoaster of ups and downs?
I told him last night that I can't go through all of this again. He wanted to know what part. The fighting, the Issues, the IVF?
The funny thing is, I'm not really sure. In the midst of Hormone Hell, I thought to myself that this HAD to work, because I couldn't go through another IVF cycle. I read about women who do it three, four, five times and I would think NO. FUCKING. WAY. I simply can't do it. But, with Mo stepping up and the stims finally leaving my body, I began to think that maybe, MAYBE, I could do one more. Because it will all be worth it. And to get this far and to give up after just one shot? Also unthinkable.
And then he blows it. And my Superman of a husband becomes a mere human being, one with frailties and flaws, once again. And I think, can I do this? Can I keep going when it seems as though everything, every single thing, stands in our way?
Let's hope that I don't have to find out.
Friday, December 18, 2009
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Man IF can be so hard on a marriage. It just brings up all the nasty stuff that used to seem to blow over easily.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things are so tough right now. I hope they turn around soon. Hang in there.
Hugs.
When is your beta? I can't believe they are making you wait psat 13 or 14 dpo to test?! I would say that, if you can handle the wait nerves, I would wait until after Christmas. Even though it is hopefully a BFP and would make Christmas WONDERFUL!, if by chance it's not that it would ruin the day completely. Yikes, good luck with the rest of your beta wait
ReplyDeleteIt's those hormones talking, girl!!! I have sooo been there! And yet here I am on IVF #5!! Stay positive - this is the ONE!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for all the drama! It's hard enough being all hopped-up on hormones. Why is it that men can't just realize that sometimes we just need a break from their crazy because we can't handle it?!?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that everything is like this right now, and I hope that it blows over quickly. Hugs to you! lots of them!
There is nothing fun about IVF. I know it's hard, but try to take it day by day - you don't have to make any decisions right now.
ReplyDeleteYou and I ovulated the same day so I am right there beside you, hoping to exclude tears from my Christmas!
Sending you lots of hugs to get through the next week.
Thanks for commenting on my new blog. I love your honesty and truly appreciate your support. While you waver between praising hope and protecting your heart I'll be thinking of you and praying for the best
ReplyDeleteTons of hugs for you.
ReplyDeleteSorry I've been a delinquint commenter...I forget to check your blog sometimes as it doesn't show up on my reader--then you post like, 15 posts and I have a hard time catching up. In addition, this time I was ALSO out of town over the weekend.
All of that does not mean I am not thinking of you.
I don't know where the answers lie for you, but I DO know that you have proved your strength time and time again. You will get through things. You will be ok.
hugs again