In case you've been wondering, my most loyal of bloggy friends, I'm not the only one who has been suffering in la casa de la MoJo. Unsurprisingly, my miscarriage has hit my husband pretty hard. And, given that he already suffers from depression and a host of other issues, all of it is bound to come to a head eventually.
I lost it Thursday night. Not for the first time, obviously, but he, for the first time, really seemed to hear me. I unloaded everything, absolutely everything, that was on my heart. I held nothing back -- something I'm still not sure was the best idea.
And for the first time ever, Mo admitted he had a problem.
I was blown away.
But cautious.
It's been a weird weekend since.
Friday I started packing up my classroom. I don't know if I'll make it the rest of the year, and certain things I wanted packed and brought home. There is quite a bit I'm willing to walk away from, but not everything. Since we have state testing coming up, and the end of the trimester in a few weeks (which necessitates a room change), no one seemed to think it odd that I was getting a head start.
Friday night I went to see a movie with a girlfriend of mine. Mo went out -- I don't know where -- but was home early. He stayed up all night playing poker online.
Saturday I went through the motions. I cleaned, I packed, I staged the guest bedrooms. I brought Mo food around 5. He slept all day, but woke up to eat. And then proceeded to stay up all night again.
He went out for about 30 minutes to go get a movie. . .but, come to think of it, there's no movie here. Huh.
So now he's sleeping again. We have a party planned in 45 minutes. I've got the food, the decorations, everything is ready. Except him.
A friend I've never met (though I've heard of him) stopped by today. The visit was brief, and I know there's more to it than Mo will tell me.
I confronted him. I'm trying to support him -- I know he's depressed, he's dealing with it poorly, and he knows it.
But, right now, I'm not strong enough to help him.
I can hardly help myself.
This is when I need him the most. I need my husband. I need someone to take care of me until the blackness that fills my head clears.
Instead, he's so wrapped up in himself and his own grief that he cannot help me, nor even help himself.
Maybe its a good thing we lost the baby. People like this -- people like us -- don't really need to have children, do we?
We can't even take care of ourselves.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
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Oh, Jo, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm praying that he wakes up soon and becomes available to you...they say things like this can make or break couples and I know that there's still a lot left to fight for, so don't give up. Does he see a therapist? Would he ever go with you? Couples grief therapy can be so helpful. Just a thought...Hang in there, girl! I'm thinking about you. XO
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that things are so difficult right now Jo. You are right to recognize your limits and your needs. You do need to take care of yourself and make sure that you are ok.
ReplyDeleteIs there anyone that Mo would be willing to speak to? I remember you saying that Mo was close to your pastor.
I hope that things start improving soon.
You are in my prayers dear friend...you and Mo. I am so sorry that this is so tough. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh, Jo. I'm so sorry. So very, very sorry. I don't even have words, this hit me so hard. I wish I could take care of you a bit, and help you when you don't have any strength left.
ReplyDeleteyes... "people like you" should have babies too! people experience grief in different (and many times unhealthy) ways. i fully believe that if you have been strong enough to get through IF you are strong enough to do anything! have you thought about talking to someone? i'm a therapist, but was considering therapy for myself when dealing with IF issues (and if i'd miscarried, would have definitely done it!) if it's an option for you two, maybe try it out. if not, it's not impossible to work through together. best of luck! i'll be thinking of you <3
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this is happening to you and to Mo. Don't feel that way though...that you can't take care of yourselves. You've been through so much and it's natural. Men have a tough time feeling things and dealing with emotions. Granted, it would be better if he wouldn't have been so distant, but I'm hoping he took the time to get the space he needed.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts. The both of you are in my thoughts.
If you don't mind my asking, what will you do if you don't return to school?
(((HUGS))) I hope that your party went well.
I'm sorry you are (both) going through such a terrible time, and I'm really sorry that you are feeling so isolated from your husband. My own other half does very much the same and it makes everything so much harder.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts.
Mo I am so sorry. I just hate that you both have to deal with all this on top of everything else that has happened in the last few weeks.
ReplyDeletePlease know you're both in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm so very very sorry for all of this. You are in both my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteAnd my two cents: A child that would enter into a house that wants him or her as much as the two of you would be extremely lucky. Of course you should have kids. They'd be lucky to have you.
I also second what Kelly says (that men deal with this SO much differently than us). Maybe he just needs to deal with things his own way.
Hugs. Many, many hugs.
Jo - I'm really sorry you are going through so much. I know you both hurt so much and it's hard not to have your "rock" when you need him most. Sending hugs galore.
ReplyDeleteJo, I'm so sorry you and Mo are going through such a tough time. It really sucks. Sometimes both of you just need to really hit bottom before looking up again. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, this post makes me so sad for you and Mo. You guys would be awesome parents and I hope and pray it happens some day.
ReplyDelete{{{Hugs}}} and love coming to you.
I'm so sad and sorry for you and Mo.... and I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteOh Jo. It's never a good idea to say I know what you're going through, cause of course I don't. But I think you know how much I empathize. If you want to connect more, please drop me a line any time. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI think the thing I've learned most through all of this - and the hardest lesson of all - is how much I say I'm independent but how much I really want to be dependent (at times, and within reason) on my husband. But yet I really can't. It's lonely, but also ultimately strengthening, to know that at times it's just me. I'm not expressing this very well, but I think you know what I mean.
I definitely second Nixy. Your child(ren) will be very lucky indeed to be so wanted and loved.
ReplyDeleteYou two are in my thoughts every day and I hope things start looking up for you soon. ((Hugs))
I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to have your husband be totally unreachable when you feel like you can't survive without him, and it's horrible and it makes me lose my mind and I hate it. You're in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAlso. A heartbreaking loss when you've already lost so much is almost unbearable. It does NOT mean that you're defective people. Really defective people would be in the baby aisle of the local supermarket with an automatic, OK? That's not a suggestion, natch, but that you suffer when you're suffering doesn't mean that you're bad people or bad parents. At all.
I am so sorry that things are so awful right now. It broke my heart to read your post.
ReplyDeleteI have thought a lot about whether or not I should have kids. That is one of the reasons that I waited so long. I wanted to get my depression and everything under control. But then I realized that I will never be perfect. No parent is ever perfect. I do know that the two of you want a child to love so badly, and that will make you wonderful parents. I can just tell by reading your blog.
I am sorry that he is having such a hard time. It is understandable that he is hurt by the miscarriage. I so badly want him to pull himself together and be there for you right now. I don't know how you can make that happen. I guess just being there for him and continuing to tell him your needs. I agree with the other posters in that therapy would be ideal right now. I wonder if he would agree to go. Can you find a counselor who works with IF and miscarriage? I found one a few weeks ago. That may put less pressure on him than a marriage counselor.
I think that in many marriages, these things happen after a miscarriage. After mine, I fell apart for a long time. Things were different. We fought a lot. We stopped being together physically. We stopped watching TV together.
I am so, so sorry. I am thinking about you.
oh honey... sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a long time since I've been able to read others' blogs. I'm sorry I haven't been here to send love and support, but know that I have thought about you and I, too, am saddened by your miscarriage. I read that you are moving, and what a difficult decision that was for you. I'm glad you and Mo decided to make a change, and I truly hope that it is a good one for you.
ReplyDelete