The Ticking Clock(s)

Today is my birthday.

At 5dp5dt, I know I shouldn't take today's negative tests to heart. (Yes, tests, as in plural. I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment). I know that it's more rare to get a positive now than a negative. After all, last time I was a full 10dp3dt before I saw even the faintest line. I know that my BFP may only be a few days away. I know ALL of that....

But it's my birthday.

How wonderful it would have been to be able to give my husband this gift. . . oh, who am I kidding? How wonderful it would have been to RECEIVE this gift.

I'm telling myself that a few days later won't make any difference.

But I had hoped.

And now, just a tiny, tiny inkling of doubt has nudged its way into my consciousness. We have so much invested in this -- not just financially, although the costs of this "cheaper" FET are mounting every day. All of our emotions are invested, too.

Last night, before bed, Mo rubbed my belly. He talks to our babies, babies we know and love already, before we even know if they are going to stick around. Babies who, in my mind, already have names. Babies we have hoped for, prayed for, longed for for almost 8 years.

It doesn't help that I'm coming up against my own brick wall, my inner timeline that was in actuality surpassed years ago. When we started this process, I was the "ideal" IVF patient -- young, healthy, with no known reasons why I couldn't conceive or deliver a healthy child. Now, my fertility is declining and soon I will jump age brackets -- into that less-than-desireable category for IVF success. Not to mention that because of our employment and insurance situation, this is my last chance to have a baby before my own self-imposed deadline comes and goes.

So today is my birthday. And all I can see, all around me, are markers of time that is both dragging and flying by. The 2WW, my increasing age, and let us not forget: the clock that marks what might have been. Though not mentioned as often, I have not forgotten what Thursdays stand for. I still follow the blogs of my "luckier" sisters. I know what today is, and what it isn't.

What I don't know is what tomorrow will bring.