2010

Adios.

Bon voyage.

Goodbye.

And good riddance.

2010 began with what I thought (at the time) was the worst possible thing that could happen.  Clearly, it wasn't, and things soon spiraled into even deeper depths of misery and sorrow.

2010 has been a year of incredible highs (we're moving! we got a house! we're pregnant!) and incredible lows (I'm leaving.  We're gonna lose the house.  We've lost the baby -- again.)

I'm thinking that, above all else, I'd like 2011 to bring me some NORMALCY for a change.  Is that too much to ask?  Less drama, more calm?

It may be.  Christmas was far from perfect (though Mo did his best to make it so.  He did arrive home (though late) in time to wrap a gazillion presents, all of which were carefully thought out and, well, perfect.  It's the most care and attention he's paid to gift-giving in, well, ever.)  My sister made it clear (in her judgemental fashion) that Mo wasn't welcome at her house (even going so far as refusing to buy him a gift, even BEFORE the Christmas Eve drama occured)...so, he skipped the family Christmas, which was both weird and awkward.  But our Christmas was actually very nice, and very grown-up, with presents and dinner and our trying our damndest not to compare THIS Christmas to the last one.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I do.  I'm home, with family close by, who love and care about me.  I've gotten to watch my niece grow from a plump little infant to a walking, talking, real-live little person.  My husband, while he's fallen a time or two, continues to make major efforts to repair the damage from the last eight years. I no longer wake up at night to an empty bed and wonder where he is -- he is always there.  While for many of you that seems like a "duh!" statement -- for us, it's huge.

He is trying.

And so, for now, so am I.

I know so many of you can't understand that.

I don't know if I understand it completely.

What I do know is that my hopes for 2011 are very different than my hopes for 2010.  I'm wishing for peace, for quiet, for a calm that I can sense is just on the horizon.  I don't know if/when a baby fits into that plan. For the first time in, well, EVER, it's not the most pressing thing.  Sure, it's there -- there's that big birthday looming after all.  But, for the first time in ten years, I feel like it just may not be the death sentence (of my fertility anyway) that I once feared.  I am trying oh-so-hard to just BREATHE, and to focus on the things that are going RIGHT.

A year ago, I couldn't imagine being where I am right now.  But here I am -- forever changed, in ways I never expected.

2010-- you were a harsh mistress. May your successor be just a wee bit more kind.