So, I caved this morning.
I tested, and it was clearly, starkly, negative.
I'm not counting myself out just yet, as it was what I expected. To be honest, what's really bringing down the hope-o-meter is my lack of symptoms. I can't help but compare what I'm feeling now, to what I remember feeling a year and a half ago.
Yes, I'm tired. But not as tired. Yes, the boobies are sore. But not as sore. You get the idea.
The problem with having been pregnant before, is that I'm constantly comparing this cycle to those. Even though I am well aware that every pregnancy is different. The outcome of my previous ones wasn't good, so should I even wish for a similar beginning this time? Still, I expect to feel a certain way, and when I don't....
That's the other problem with this being our third IVF/FET cycle. Since both of our previous ones resulted in a BFP -- I kind of have the expectation that this one will, too. And I KNOW that Mo does. Which scares the shit out of me, because isn't that always when the Universe decides "Uh, oh -- she thinks she knows what's gonna happen? Ha! We'll show her!" I don't think Mo has even entertained the idea that this might not work. I'm at least TRYING to prepare myself for that possibility -- as best as one can, without losing that hope. Because, as down as I sound, I DO still have hope that maybe, just maybe, an actual baby might come out of this.
Today is officially the last day of summer vacation. I go back to work tomorrow and, truth be told, I'll be glad for the distraction. In the meantime, I continue to wait...and hope...and try not to expect too much.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
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"I continue to wait...and hope...and try not to expect too much."
ReplyDeleteCan I steal that for my mantra?
I am still holding out hope for you. It's not over til it's over.
I'm doing the same exact thing. I have had a BFP for the last 4 cycles I've done! (although one was a chemical, I still felt like the test would be positive). For all four BFP's I didn't feel any real symptoms until the day of the actual test. I think if I don't feel something by Friday or Saturday I'll be ready to accept defeat, but not before that.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is also convinced that this cycle will end in a BFP. I can't really impress upon him enough that in the IF world, past accomplishment is not an indicator of future success. ;)
My hubby put so much faith in our FET that when it failed, he hit a depression I've never seen him hit. He just didn't have any inkling that it might not work.
ReplyDeleteHope was in Pandora's box for a reason. It's evil.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but the 2ww will be over soon : )
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you! I know how it feels to see a stark white test...it sucks. Even if you know in your heart that it is too early to test, that colorless test window pretty much knocks the wind out of you. I started testing my last IVF at 4dp5dt and I will never do that again!! I was in total hell!
ReplyDeleteI'm at 4dp5dt and I'm right there with you. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but it's hard. I don't know when/if I'll test. I don't know if I can. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeletehttp://missconception1.blogspot.com/
"Hope was in Pandora's box for a reason. It's evil." I have to agree with this. Managing expectations - and attempting to suffocate hope - has been the name of the game during this process for me. But sometimes I manage to feel hope for someone else, and though I am on pins and needles, I am hopeful for you. Glad you have a distraction coming up!
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about you guys. I think we're at the point where my husband is more depressed than I am when Aunt Flo shows up. I feel so bad for the guys.
ReplyDeleteI'm holding out hope for you guys, but the comments about Pandora's box kind of made me think about my own situation. Good luck! And good luck going back to work!!!
Thinking of you and sending so much hope the internet might burst.
ReplyDelete