Is This The End?

Kudos to any of you who read that title in Ja.net Jacks.on's voice ala "Rhyth.m Natio.n."  She was my hero in the 90's.

Mo and I had a very heartfelt, tear-laden talk on Sunday.  He spent most of Saturday pissed at me (or so it seemed) because I went in to school and got some work done.  Today was the first day with kids, and I was so upset Friday that I just ran out of there.  Luckily, my sister came up and helped me mend things on Saturday morning.  Mo was furious, though I think he's more angry with the situation we're in, than in the fact that I went in to work (instead of resting at home).

Anyway, there was a lot said in our conversation, and I'm still trying to process it.  I'm actually really proud of us for having such an emotionally-charged talk without yelling, or saying mean things.  We actually TALKED.

I am, however, quite devastated, as we seem to be on completely different pages once again.  Mo thinks he's done, for real, this time.  I GET that, and I respect that, but the thing is -- I'm NOT.  Maybe in ten years I will be.  But right now?  Right now I still want children, and I simply cannot -- cannot-- imagine my life without them.

I really can't imagine my life without Mo, though, either.  He's been my rock, my infertile shoulder, the only person who truly understands how I feel and what I've been through, because he's been through it all, too.  When I think about him living in a different state, not seeing him every day, not hearing his voice -- my heart just shatters into a million pieces.

I don't think that it's fair.  I know infertility isn't fair, but this part is even worse.  Why should I have to choose between my husband, and a family?  Why can't I have both?

Mo is still against adoption.  He says its too expensive, the lists are too long, and he's not willing to drain the savings we have left to raise "someone else's" child.  I've done enough reading to know that his feelings are completely normal, and may change in time -- but how much time?  And what if it never does?  I can't spend my precious few fertile years left waiting for him to come around.

As for treatments, those are currently off the table as well.  We have two frozen embryos, neither of which we really think is going to result in a live baby.  Even if they survive the thaw, our batting average just sucks.  Whether its a sperm issue or a uterine issue doesn't even seem to matter at this point.  We can't do PGD because they are already blasts.  So they'll sit, for the time being, and probably be transferred at some point, though neither of us truly believes we'll have any different outcome.

Any other treatment options aren't appealing to Mo (or myself) either.  IVF w/ PGD means more shots, more planning, more money, more time.  We don't have unlimited amounts of any of that.  If it is somehow determined to be a sperm issue, Mo has already expressed reservations against donor sperm (which would mean we could "revert" to IUI, a much cheaper route).  So that's out.  Donor Egg/Surrogacy would mean up to twice the cost of traditional IVF.

I just feel like I keep running up against a brick wall.  I know that emotions are running high right now and Mo may change his mind (he has before).  But, I also know that he is thisclose to turning over to the child-free side of things.  He talked last night of wanting to move back to his hometown (where he went to high school) and wanting to buy a boat, to live on the beach, and be happy.  He doesn't want to stay here, in small-town middle-America, and continue to have happy families thrown in his face day in and day out.  And he's right -- there is nothing here except my family, and other families, and other people's kids.  And every single activity -- from church, to school, to festivals, to movie theaters -- everything is family-centered.

But I spent 10 years away from my family, and I need them.  I need their support, and their love.  I need to see my sister every week, to watch my niece grow up.  I need to hug my mom.  I looked at Mo and told him, as sincerely as I could, that if I couldn't have children, he couldn't take my family from me, too.

So that's where we are.  He wants to move, and I don't.  He wants to move ON, and I don't.  We're at an impasse, and I fucking HATE the biology that means we can't wait this out indefinitely.

Something's gotta give, one way or the other.

I just wish I had any inkling of what it would be.