Or, as Nurse Chipper so cheerfully stated this afternoon, "completely negative."
Don't you just love how blithely someone can hand over news like that?
I knew it was going to be, but still. It stings.
What absolutely crushes my soul, however, isn't this chemical pregnancy, but the feeling like all my hopes and dreams are disappearing along with my falling betas. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. All I see are different shades of misery: childlessness, loneliness, desperation, frustration.
I don't want a life without Mo. I don't want a life without children. I don't want to have to choose. I am so ready to be a mom -- we have been on this TTC rollercoaster for almost a decade now. I have been lapped so many times I've lost count. I don't want to spend another 3 years, or five years, or more chasing this dream. I've already wasted ten years of my life on this shit. But, the idea of just giving up makes me want to curl up into a little ball and just scream at the universe.
I don't want to be childfree forever, but I'm desperately afraid that I will be.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
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Jo, I am so incredibly sorry for so many things...for the lost pregnancy, for you feeling as though you're at such a crossroads and for the callous way that the nurse handed over the news.
ReplyDeleteI don't remember if you and Mo have been to counseling...is that an option for the two of you? It could really help both of you figure out how to deal with all of this that has been weighing so heavily on you.
It's just awful and so unfair that you're going through this. (((HUGS))) I wish there were something more I could say.
Jo,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the loss that you're dealing with along with the struggles that you're going through with your husband. I also encourage you and Mo to try counseling to work through this difficult time.
We're all here for you.
Hugs!!
I hate to hear your hope dieing out. I always told myself that I was going to be a mom, no matter what it took, even if it meant turning to donor sperm, adoption, or fostering. But I was always on the same page with my husband. (until now).
ReplyDeleteDoes Mo read your blog? If not, maybe you could write him a letter saying exactly what you told us? I hope that you can come to an agreement because you shouldn't have to make this kind of choice, and you shouldn't be miserable. Maybe he would agree to pursue treatment with donor eggs or possibly adoption if you were willing to move away from your family. Because you shouldn't have to give up everything...a baby and your family. There has got to be some middle ground that would give you a little hope.
I'm thinking of you. I'm not much of a praying person, but I'm praying that you guys can come to some kind of solution that works for both or you.
I have no words of wisdom, but only hugs and prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteJo,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. Having just gone through my 5th loss 6 weeks ago and now going in tomorrow for yet another egg retrieval, I know how much this sucks. I am not a big believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason," actually, I completely despise that saying but I do, however, think that there is a plan in the works for us. As much as things suck right now, one day they will be sweeter than we could have ever imagined.
Krystyn
I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love your way. I wish I knew something to say. Just lots of ((hugs)) and support for whatever you do.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this, and by this I mean it ALL. It definitely makes me wonder why some people seem to be handed more than their fair share of the crap-load. I agree that counseling could be helpful, although I have tried to convince my husband of that and I've never been able to get him there. I'm sorry, I have no advice, just thinking about you.-Denise
ReplyDeletesending big hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteJo, there is nothing I can say but that I'm so, so sorry.
ReplyDeleteJo, I just wanted to stop by and add my voice to the chorus of supporters. I'm really sorry about your chemical pregnancy and for this decade of crushing infertility you have been through. I sincerely hope that you and Mo will evolve together towards a plan that you can both live with. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry you're going through this. There really are no words.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels-but don't know how to solve it.Sorry about this. I'm thinking about you and sending you prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh God, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I will be hoping for the two of you to find next steps that you will both be comfortable with--once you've had some time to heal from this latest heartbreak. It isn't right and it isn't fair that you should be dealing with so much. Sending you warm wishes & good thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSo so sorry for this. I wish there was some way to make you feel better. Sending hugs and good karma your way.
ReplyDeleteHugs!! Thinking of you! :(
ReplyDeleteSo sorry. I wish I had some secret answer that would make things ok.
ReplyDeleteCan you take a year off? Reconnect as a couple without a goal?
Even if you don't have children of your own, you can still give so much affection and guidance through Big Sister type mentoring programs, fostering - leading to adoption.
But really, it seems like right now is not the time to seek answers, but rather recover from all of the roughness.
There is so much I wish were different for you - I am so sorry to hear all that you have going on right now. I was secretly hoping that the low beta would rise and it would all be ok ...
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry.. I dont have any advise im sorry but just wanted to comment and tell you that I am so very sorry and I am thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry and am still thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI have no words except I'm sorry. I'm so damned sorry.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry!
ReplyDeletethinking of you and sending lots of love. You do not need to have the answers now, just take time to process all of this. I wish it was easier.
ReplyDeleteHow terrible. You are in such an awful position, and I'm angry with that nurse for being so blunt. Geez. I don't know what to say other than I'll support you no matter what you decide to do!
ReplyDeleteJo... I am so sorry. I can't say I know what it is like to be in your exact position. But I do know the feelings of loss, desperation, fear of childlessness forever after 4 losses. It just sucks. I am so sorry about you and Mo not being on the same page. I hope that something changes soon to give you a little bit of hope.
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me cry :( Im so so sorry- Im praying for you!
ReplyDeleteSorry you are hurting so much right now. Sending you hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteSo, so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeletei know a future with no children isn't what you want and yes it can look daunting but take it from someone who has faced the same decisions you are now facing, who looked a future without children in the eye and decided it wouldn't get the better of me - life without children, while not what you originally wanted, can still be pretty freaking amazing.
ReplyDeletethat being said, if you're not ready to give up, then you're not ready to give up, that's not a decision that you really have much say in i believe - you will know when you're done. deep down i'm not sure we are, something is telling me to keep trying but i'm not sure.
i think it comes to down what you can live without. could you live without Mo in your life? could you live with never having a child? i couldn't imagine living without Guv - for me, him being in my life was more important than having a child - that doesn't mean i didn't and don't desperately want a child, our child but if i had to choose between them, Guv would win out every time. i mean what if i was to leave Guv in an effort to have that much longed for child and i didn't manage it? then i'd not only not have a baby but also wouldn't have my soul-mate.
just take one step at a time and don't be afraid to ask the hard questions and have the tough talks.
sending love my sweet.
~x~
Here from Kelly's blog,
ReplyDeleteVery sorry to hear about it. The universe can suck it up, really. It is unfair over unfair.
Holding you and Mo in my thoughts.
((hugs)) I am so sorry for your loss and the difficult situation you are facing. Hopefully, with a little time you and Mo will be able to figure out something that works for both of you.
ReplyDeleteMo-
ReplyDeleteHave you tried these guys yet? Its a FREE-no strings attached-consultation. Perhaps it isn't bad eggs and simply a fixable immune issue that is crushing your pregnancies???
It is FAR cheaper to test for immune issues via a blood draw and know that you are perfect (or imperfect) than to pay for PGS, not knowing that you have an underlying immune issue, only to have your body reject a perfectly healthy blast because it isn't the "plant"-embryo but the "soil"-uterine lining that is preventing your dreams from coming reality?
http://www.haveababy.com/infertilityblog/
The contact info to set up your free phone consult is at the top of this header.
I know your hell-we walk the same path.
I am sending you big virtual hugs and flipping off the universe for the journey you have been put on!
xo Brooke
I am so sorry ;(
ReplyDeleteI just want to let you know that I understand (actually I just found out our cycle failed as well), and I'm so sorry that we have to go through this. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI am so incredibly sorry for all you are having to deal with right now. It's so much. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry as well. I will pray that you and your husband can work together to come to a decision that you can both live with - together.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry hun! I read a bit of your other post and just wanted to let you know that you should NEVER discredit your frozen embies. I never had faith in them either until 2 out of 3 that I transferred became my twins who will turn 2 next month. You just never know! Stay hopeful! Stopping by from ICLW! (#52)
ReplyDeleteJust stopping by to say I'm very sorry. And that I know more than one healthy and happy snowbaby. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I'm late on this, but oh honey. I'm so sorry this happened to you guys. (((hugs))) And I hope you two are able to sort through your feelings and come to a mutual decision about more treatments.
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry you're dealing with this right now. :-( So many of us know that feeling of being so ready to be parents and yet it's not happening. May you smile again soon.
ReplyDeleteICLW #102
Jo, my heart goes out to you. IF is a real mother-f'er isn't it? It f's with our minds, our marriages, our bodies.
ReplyDeleteI know from experience.
Don't give up on your frosties. Don't give up on your marriage. Don't give up on talking and talking and working this out with Mo. You are worth it. Both of you. So is your future family. You have to keep the faith that you will have a future family.
We finally resorted to donor sperm and it was hard on the mister. Just had our first positive beta. I'm hoping that it works out and that Mr. Jem WILL bond with the baby. It's not easy, or fun.
Just know you have the love and support of this community.
I hate the way some nurses give away those results like they're telling the weather. I'm sorry you had to hear it like that.
ReplyDeleteThe only time a nurse should say "Completely negative!" is when she is giving you the results to a std test. Or cancer results. Not in regards to a pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry.
I've come in from Lost and Found...
ReplyDeletesending you some love. I have had a number of chemical pregnancies... :( And a miscarriage too. And now a Still Birth.. on top of the whole infertility thing.
I wasn't on the train as long as you (3.5 years of trying for our son)... but 10 years of not using contraception makes me think something was up..
But I just wanted to say - I get what you are saying.. the "idea of giving up" isn't one you want to face - but the idea of keeping going is just as crazy.
Sending you love xx
Kristie - http://www.hesperasgarden.com
I'm so sorry for your loss. Here from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. I hope that you and your husband will be able to work through this.
ReplyDeleteI came by from ICLW.
I am so very sorry. Sending you much love. XOXO
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. And I think delivering such news blithely - or otherwise than in tears - is totally inexcusable. Yeah, I've heard the "fertiles just don't understand," but if you work at a fertility clinic, you LEARN. Unacceptable.
ReplyDeleteAnd as to the momentous life decisions - I completely understand because I also totally overplan all of life and the rest of time when I am really upset. But I'll say what I never listen to myself - this is not the time you have to make a decision that huge (if ever; I think in life, we really just have to take the next good step, and the big things sort of happen to us). Give yourself time to grieve this loss, before you take on the rest of your life. Sufficient unto the day, for sure.
There aren't any words that I can give that will help... so instead I offer prayers and ((hugs)).
ReplyDeleteICLW
Hugs, how are you doing??
ReplyDelete