MIA

As I go back and re-read the outpouring of love on my last post, I'm wiping tears from my eyes and feeling a huge amount of guilt.  I am so sorry to disappear on you ladies (I completely missed ICLW this month), but with school starting and all the other life-altering discussions going on at home, I simply haven't had time to log on.  And, truth be told, I kind of wanted to let things sit for a while, to allow both Mo and myself to recover from the rollercoaster ride that has been the last few weeks.

I am happy to say that, two weeks after we received the news of our latest pregnancy-that-was-not-to-be, that Mo and I are still holding tight to each other. Mo definitely hit a rough patch for several days, particularly once that horribly low beta was confirmed to be falling.  I can't say I blame him -- I have played those same thoughts on an unending loop in my head for the last year and a half.  But, I am also THRILLED to be able to say that it was just venting -- or so I think.  A little over a week ago, Mo confessed to me that he has been talking to a friend of his about adoption, and that he does think that he will be willing to adopt.

I tried so hard to keep my thoughts to myself, to process what he was saying without just reacting, to let him get all of his fears, frustrations, and ideas out on the table.  And I am so, so, happy that I did.

It hasn't been all smooth sailing, don't get me wrong.  We're not just happily bouncing onto the Adoption Train -- the last decade has left scars that I fear will never completely heal.  But, just knowing that he will consider it -- and that maybe I don't have to imagine a life without children, restores my hope that someday I will have a family to call my own.

This week we also had our WTF appointment (via phone) with Dr. Down-to-Earth.  He didn't really say anything we weren't expecting: he is insisting on the chromosomal testing and the recurrent miscarriage panel before any more treatments (thankfully, insurance should cover it now).  He then advised us to go ahead and do our frozen transfer.  He thinks the blasts we have on ice are of comparable quality to our fresh, and provided nothing major comes up with the bloodwork, that we have a pretty decent chance with them.  While I'm not jumping onto that particular hope-bandwagon just yet, I do still want to go ahead and transfer them.  I think I would feel that way even if he said it was a 0% chance of success.  As I tearfully explained to Mo while we were discussing our plan, those babies are us, no matter how small, and they may very well be the only ones we ever again conceive.  If they are going to die, it's going to be inside of my uterus, and not inside of a lab.  He agreed, and so I think the plan (for now, anyway) is to go ahead with the FET in early November or December.

After that, I'm not sure that we will ever again board the Treatment Train.  I can't stomach the cost of IVF with just the chance at success -- our cycles are 100% out of pocket, and we've already thrown away close to $30,000 on three losses.  I would be willing to revert to IUI w/ donor sperm (simply because it's the cheapest option), but I don't think Mo would be game for that.  I did ask Dr. DTE what he thought the post-FET future would hold (donor eggs? donor sperm? donor embryos?) and he didn't want to focus too much on that (one step at a time, he reminded me!) but he did say that donor eggs was not going to be the answer.  I know that Mo feels a huge amount of guilt over this, but at the same time, I don't know how he would feel about a baby that had my DNA, but not his.  He just now has started to consider adoption -- at least in that case, the baby would not have either of our DNA.  Which I am fine with -- I have frequently said that someone could drop a green-haired, purple-skinned alien baby on my doorstep, and I would welcome it with open arms.  I need to do more research on embryo adoption -- but given my history, I'm not sure I'd want to risk that either.  Even if the testing reveals nothing they can pinpoint as "wrong," the bottom line is we've transferred 7 beautiful, perfect, textbook embryos into my uterus -- and every single one of them has died.  Who's to say that someone else's embryos would fare any better?

I've put a lot of thought into this the few weeks, and I don't want anyone to think that moving onto adoption is strictly a financial decision.  I truly believe that, even if money was unlimited, that I am very close to being done with treatments.  Even covered 100% by insurance, IVF is a long, time-intensive, emotionally-draining process.  Followed by an even longer, anxiety-ridden, sick-feeling, ten months.  It would totally be worth it in the end -- but at the same time, I can't say that, given a choice, I wouldn't prefer to skip all of that.  Not that adoption is any easier, its just different.  I can handle the paperwork, the waiting (I've been waiting for a decade after all), etc., if I know that, at the end, we will have an actual LIVE baby.  Pregnancy, for me, is no such guarantee.  To give all of that -- everything I have -- and still end up empty-handed?  I don't know if I can do it.

So, that's the plan.  FET in a few months, followed by more research and hopefully starting the adoption process by summer.  I'm well aware that that means it will probably still be several years before I'm holding my child in my arms -- but I'm willing to wait.  It's the idea of "never" that I just can't embrace.