I'm a stubborn girl. I always have been. (Ask my mother...or my husband.) :-) I, like a lot of IF-er's, am a go-getter who is used to fixing my mind on a goal, working hard, and achieving it.
Which is why IVF is such a mind-fuck for someone like me. Because there is no rhyme or reason to it. Perfect blasts fail to implant, sub-par embryos turn into beautiful babies, women experience loss after loss with no real explanation as to why.
But I am stubborn, and I'm used to getting my way. Which is why I find myself returning to the bathroom, over and over again, and digging the wretched pee-sticks out of the trash. As though staring at them hard enough, or long enough, is going to make them change their answer.
I googled enough stories of "7dp5dt bfn" to find hope that maybe -- maybe -- I might get a different result tomorrow. But I feel like I know my body, and I know what has happened the THREE previous times I've been pregnant. Yes, every pregnancy is different -- but I've never implanted "late." And if I actually do start producing HCG before Monday -- is there really much hope for such a late starter? Or are we destined to go down the road we went down last August once again?
No one knows the answers of course, and there's nothing I can do to change what will be. The days will slowly crawl by until Monday, when we will hopefully get some sort of answer. (Beta Hell, I'm not interested in visiting this time. Please keep that in mind when you solicit guests, okay?)
But I am stubborn. And I keep peeing, and I keep staring.
I went and bought the Equ.ate Early Resp.onse after work. It's the one that's always shown first for me. And I held my pee, I dipped, I waited. All negative (I, of course, threw another FRER and two internet cheapies into the equation, just for shits and giggles).
But then I went back -- say, ten minutes later? And I know not to read it after the time limit. But I always do, because I AM STUBBORN LIKE THAT.
And there is the tiniest whisper of a line, so faint I might very well be imagining it. Do any of you know what an evap line looks like? Is that what it is, maybe? I don't know. It's definitely not something any non-IF-major-pee-er would ever call a line. It's a shadow, just enough of an indentation to make me wonder.
Can any of this end well? I obviously don't know.
All I do know is that I'll keep going, and keep hoping dammit, even when I shouldn't -- until they tell me for sure that I'm out of the game.
Because when the stakes are this high, it's hard as hell to take "no" for an answer.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I had evap lines. They look greyish/white, not pink. I think it all has to do with the color. If it's a pink line, hooray! If not, chalk it up to an evap line. I hope it's the former!!
ReplyDeleteOh, that sucks. It's like you are being attacked by pee stick demons!
ReplyDeleteYou can indeed have a 'late implanter' or slow grower that survives. Since my daughter started out with a beta on 14dp0 of only 40, that only went up to 60, I firmly believe that anything is possible. Probable, no, but possible, yes. I probably wouldn't have gotten anything if I'd POAS at 12dpo.
By the way, I had a faint whisper of a line and my beta that day was 5. So the FRER is pretty damn sensitive
ReplyDeleteI'm not a good person to ask regarding FRERs and POAS. I actually have PTSD from FRERs (no joke) and can't seem to bring myself to use them without inducing a panic attack. Anyway, I will say this: it's still early and FRERs are not accurate at this stage. Even the "early detectors" have lower accuracy. So, until the beta comes back, I'm not giving up on you. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice on faintness or color of lines, but I'm staying hopeful for you until the beta!
ReplyDeletePee sticks are the devil! I always tell the story about how I peed on my beta day, after being told I had an HCG of 325, only to see nothing but white on the pee stick.
ReplyDeleteI stared ay mine this morning until I thought maybe, maybe...just maybe I saw the slightest, almost non-existent hint of a second blue line. And I finally just had to accept that it wasn't almost non-existent, it was actually non-existent. But, tomorrow I shall pee again. And I'll stare and will that line to appear again...even though I don;t think it's likely at this point.
ReplyDeleteGod, I'm in pee stick hell too, with things looking bad. Ii've had 5 days of staring at them and willing a line to appear. No luck. I hope and pray that It does appear for you.
ReplyDeleteI think evap lines are more common with blue tests and usually appear grayish. But I've had that same experience with a low beta, too. Pink sticks are easier to read...
ReplyDeleteI hate HPTs and unless I have a very good reason, stay away from them. Will keep hoping for you!
ReplyDelete