This morning's tests were clearly, starkly, negative. Again. At 8dp5dt, it's time for me to face up to the fact that this cycle, our "last chance fet", likely didn't work.
I compared last night's ghost line with a new E.quate test this morning. You can still see the faint, faint line from yesterday, but there is nothing today. So maybe the other test was more sensitive and picked up a trace amount, maybe whatever was there yesterday is gone today, maybe yesterday was nothing more than an evaporation line and an overactive imagination. Lots of maybes -- but the bottom line is the same.
No dice.
And I'm kind of in a weird place about it. On the one hand, I've talked openly about getting this one "out of the way" so that we could move on. On the other hand, I really, honestly, in my gut was SURE (after transfer) that this one had worked, and we weren't going to need to move on.
I feel like a failure. The numbers are abysmal: four cycles, 28 eggs retrieved, 26 embryos created, 10 embryos made it to blast, 9 were transferred, 3 implanted, and 0 stuck around after 8 weeks. Virtually ALL of the blasts we transferred were good quality -- our fresh cycles were both deemed "perfect" by two different RE's. We did have 2 not-so-great embryos in the mix -- but out of 7 good/great embies, not ONE has resulted in an actual baby. I know that the MFI has an effect on conception rates -- but ICSI is supposed to eliminate that. Clearly there is something wrong with ME, something that none of the tests have been able to discover. Why can't I grow a baby? I want answers -- and no one seems able to give them to me. Genetically, we're both fine. My immune tests came back normal. Physically, I have no issues, and the RE didn't seem concerned about egg quality. So WHAT the HELL is WRONG?!?
I am frustrated, and sad, and feeling quite hopeless today. I'm not ready to really think about where to go next -- I know we have options, but right now none of them appeal to me whatsoever. I'm grateful to be out on Spring Break -- I have nine days to get my mojo back before returning to work. I plan on indulging my self-pity for a while longer, then distracting myself as best as I can. Maybe by summer we can come up with another game plan.
What an incredible let-down.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
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Incredible let down indeed. this is terrible!! i am so sorry. please do not think you have failed. you have done everything in your power to achieve your outcome - and then some. it is so tough when we throw everything at this again and again and come back with nothing. please take good care of yourself - grieve, rage, cry, and then regather your self to figure out what is next. thinking of you and wishing you were in a different place than this with all my heart.
ReplyDeletemo
I am sorry this cycle didn't work despite everything looking so good (and everything before as well...what gives??). It's hard to rebound after a BFN, esp. when all things point to success. I hope your time off gives you room to regain your mojo. Sometimes it's so hard to find after such a let down. Hang in there. I know it sucks.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Jo. It is so hard to make the distinction between US being failures and OUR BODIES being failures (I still struggle with this myself), but please don't view YOU as being the failure. You are not a failure.
ReplyDeleteI'm holding you in my heart today (and beyond. xoxo
So very sorry this cycle didn't work.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine the mind f*ck IVF must be if just cycling on meds is so crazy (the only thing I was ever able to do, treatment-wise).
Holding hope for you.
I am sorry. This sucks. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteUgh, it sucks. I console myself with the knowledge that streaks of bad luck aren't confined to us. There are perfectly fertile couples out there who just roll the wrong dice every single time too.
ReplyDeleteI have similar anger at the failure of known good embryos (via CGH testing) to implant. The last step in getting pregnant, and it keeps failing with no explanation.
Sending good thoughts your way. Take all the time you need, and treat yourself well.
Damn, damn, damn. I'm so sorry, Jo. How incredibly frustrating. But you threw everything you had at this, and while you may never get the answers you're looking for, just know that you did nothing wrong. Take care of yourself in whatever way you can, and know that your friends are thinking of you and lifting you up. Sending you hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry for this news, Jo. I was hoping. Really hoping. You don't deserve this; you deserve to be celebrating good news. Take care of yourself and take the time you need to heal. Sending you love and light.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs coming your way. I think we should co-write a book together. We could call it...
ReplyDeleteFail. Fail. Fail Again. Fail Better.
I'm so sorry. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteReading this I don't even want to start adding up all the eggs retrieved, how few embryos I've gotten, or how many pregnancies ended up in the toilet (literally). MFI can make great LOOKING embryos with ICSI, but most of them still aren't worth crap. I would say "keep trying, it will work eventually", but if I hadn't gotten pregnant for keeps on number four, that would have been it for us. I wish that your embryos had stuck, but please don't beat yourself over it.
ReplyDeleteThere's a song by Blues Traveler that sums it up "no one is a failure that keeps trying...floating to the bottom is the only disgrace. Wait...wait...just wait...it will come." I know you're a fighter, and I believe that you will be a parent someday, somehow. I'm just so sorry it wasn't now. :(
You have not failed. It sucks that this FET didnt work, but you did not fail. It is so so hard not to be hard on ourselves. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh Jo, I am so sorry. Sending 1000 hugs.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks -- thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry :( I was hopeful for you too.
ReplyDeleteI just bought 2 bags of jellybeans to drown my negative test results in. I would hand deliver a bag to you. It's not going to help anything, of course. But nothing really can today, and probably tomorrow. Huges to you - I was really hoping.
ReplyDeleteoh Jo i am so sorry. have you been checked for things like fibroids? after a recent unbelievably horrible period, all my research led me to fibroids and believe this could be the reason why i've not been able to hold onto pregnancies.
ReplyDeletei'm sure you have been checked out for things like this but wanted to mention it anyway.
again i'm so sorry, it is unbelievably unfair.
~x~
thinking of you and sending so much love
ReplyDeleteHugs and thoughts hun
ReplyDelete