When I first started writing this post, I titled it "At a Standstill." Because that's where we are, treatment-wise and adoption-wise. Waiting for appointments and paperwork, neither moving forward nor backward.
But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn't like the feeling that word invokes -- "standstill." It sounds stuck, mired in the mud that often accompanies each step on this journey.
And for some reason, I don't feel stuck right now. It's true that we are standing still, but at a standstill? No.
And the more I meditated on that slight difference in vocabulary, the more I was able to see how my perspective is changing. How I am changing, evolving, as this journey unfolds. There is a peace where there once was panic. Right now, weeks seem to matter less, and the overall picture matters more.
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Some people might consider it nitpicky, this obsession and focus on words. And yet, words are so powerful. They change thoughts, and feelings, set moods, and destroy relationships. Words are important, and so it's important to me that I choose the right words when writing about infertility, or marriage, or whatever the hell it is I'm writing about.
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We are standing still for the moment, catching our breaths, gathering strength for the next battle that is sure to follow. I marvel sometimes that we ARE still standing, that infertility and loss have not completely destroyed us both. It most certainly could have, and in fact almost did. It still could, as this challenge is far from over. But for now, we are still in this together, still hoping for our happy ending, still dreaming of a future that involves children.
How exactly we are going to make that happen is still being talked about, thought about, swirled around in our respective brains and sitting with us, trying to feel out which path feels most right. We are not making any decisions for now.
We are standing still, friends, and for once in my life, I am okay with that.
Because what really matters is that we are, still, standing.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
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So glad that you guys are in such a good place...IF can do terrible things and you two have found a way to stand through it all. This is a wonderful post!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're in this place. Too often people aren't still standing after dealing with IF. The fact you and Mo are brings so much hope.
ReplyDeleteWonderful to hear. I sent you an email to your ymail account, please check it.... ~Denise
ReplyDeleteThis post sums up so much of where I an at right now. I'm glad that you are finding yourself in a good place.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you have to stand still for a little bit to get your bearings and plan your next move. It's great to hear that you are at peace for the moment.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad this standing still doesn't feel stuck to you. This post is very peaceful and reflective, and I love that!
ReplyDeleteI think semantics are so, so important. And I am very glad to see a post from you and to know you are catching your collective breaths. Breath in deeply my friend.
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