Two numbers that have been rattling in my brain, impossible to believe, but true. Eleven years since we tossed the birth control, three years since my earth-shattering first post-IVF loss. And still, no babies to show for it. How is that even possible? How am I still in this race? How have I not given up already?
I don't really know, other than I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Isn't that how everyone deals with those life-altering blows that we are dealt? You just keep getting up, you keep breathing. In my case, I keep having sex (FUN!) and keep letting everyone under the sun stick instruments up my hoo-ha (not nearly as much fun as it sounds).
We really don't have anything new to report, hence my blog absence of late. Christmas was both wonderful and awful, as I am sure so many of you can relate. My family is amazing, and we got to spend lots of time together, time that I cherish and feel so lucky to have. I can't help but appreciate my parents and siblings so much more, seeing Mo without his each year. Each Christmas my wish for the next year remains the same, though realistically I know I won't be holding a baby of my own in December 2013, either. Maybe by 2014?
I miss blogging, and writing, and the connections I've made here. At the same time, there is only so much of this community that I can handle right now. (God, that sounds horrible and selfish and I am sorry.) It's true, though, and out of self-preservation I steer clear of all but a few select places these days. I want to be better, but let's face it -- I'm not. After over a decade of infertility, I'm ready for it to be my fucking turn already. I love you all, really I do, but I am no saint. And if you get that, then you are a better person than I was when I was in your shoes, and I am lucky to have you. If that pisses you off or offends you in some way, then I invite you to trade places with me any day. What? No takers? :-)
I may or may not be blogging about other things here for a while, seeing as how there will be no treatments to obsess over until May/June. I am in cyber-love with Misfit (http://justbeinginfertile.blogspot.com)*, have thoroughly enjoyed reading about her house renovations lately. While I am not nearly as handy, nor do I own a home to refinish, I do enjoy seeing other sides of my infertile buddies (What? We are more than just our broken lady-parts?), and think sometimes that you might like to see the other sides of me as well. Then again, my other sides may be horribly offensive to some of you, or so the little corner of my brain insists, and so I hold off, wanting to keep the few of you I haven't run off previously. And so I keep quiet, reinforcing the belief that I am little more than a baby-hungry, stubborn, doesn't-know-when-to-quit, bag of broken lady-bits.
I am more, though, or so I like to think.
So, you tell me. If you have hung around this long, what do you want to know about me? Comment and give me some good, non-IF blog fodder. Please and thank you. (See, I haven't completely forgotten my good manners!)
*Can anyone tell my how to create a link on the Blogger iPad app? I am technology literate most of the time, but this one has me stumped.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
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I've been wondering about you. Last thing I remember was you looking into adoption and doing some remodeling. So, for non-IF blog fodder, give us an update! What's been done? What are you thinking of/dreaming of doing?
ReplyDeleteI totally understand you. I want to know when it will be your turn, too. Pictures of any remodeling would be cool. I'm thinking of doing some more of that on my blog because I've done quite a bit of stuff not IF related. Like you I've been avoiding most of the blogs I used to read. I'm starting to get back into it now, but 2012 really sucked.
ReplyDeleteI would also like to know what you think your overall plan is on the ttc front. Mine was to move on to donor sperm, possibly, and then foster-adoption (we could not afford the hefty baby adoption fees). (those plans were of course changed because I got lucky).
Glad to hear from you! We are ALL more than our TTC efforts/plans/failures. . . though it's hard to remember that at times.
ReplyDeleteI know that you teach, but I don't know what you teach. I'd be interested to know what grade, what subjects, and how you decided to go into education for your career.
I'm interested in YOU, silly! Of course I'm always hoping for good news for you on the TTC front. But I hang around because I like you. You're a real person. You have marriage ups and downs and crises of faith (or the lack thereof) etc. Over the years you've begun to feel more like a treasured friend than like someone I've never met.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't matter so much what you write about. I'd just like to hear how you're doing. The waiting between treatments is a kind of limbo I know well, and it helps to have distractions.
ReplyDeleteAwwww! Honestly, I know I bore most of the other bloggers to tears with my house pictures. (Well, technically I can't tell whether it's my continual failure to post pictures of my adorable children, the fact that all the other infertile bloggers are busy with THEIR children and have stopped posting or reading, my audacious insistence that the IF blogosphere is supposed to provide support for the childless rather than an audience for baby pictures, the fact that I vanished completely for a month or two, or that I will not stop posting pictures of my attempts to refurbish antique crap, but my readership has dropped to practically nothing. 'Sok. I enjoy compiling pictures of my little accomplishments, even if they aren't reproductive. Nobody else has to read them (but I'm delighted if they do!). Would be happy to hear more about what you're doing when you're not being childless and/or assaulted by the medical community, too :).
ReplyDeleteyeah... it sucks to be in the longest standing in the IF scene/crowd. I don't even want to count how long I've been here... I hear you on ducking in and out of this blogging community. It can be hard sometimes for me too... and I never know what parts of my real life to post on my blog. Sometimes there seems like there is no plot to my story arc.... just no kids. hang in there.. hope 2013 is magical for you.
ReplyDelete