So.
Six weeks.
That's how much longer we've got until this theoretical "baby" becomes a reality.
I'm still having difficulty coming to terms with this idea. We spent over a decade striving for one thing: a healthy pregnancy and a living child. We've made it further than we've ever dreamed of -- 33 weeks pregnant with a strong, healthy, boy. And while I've finally accepted that I am, indeed, preggers -- I still can't quite wrap my brain around the idea of an actual BABY in my house. A person, to hold and love and play with and read to and learn from. A living being that didn't exist before, and that I am solely responsible for. It just doesn't seem real yet, believe it or not.
I've been burned before, that's true. And I know our history makes it harder for me to grasp the realities that are inherent in our situation. I am pregnant -- that much I can finally accept. I can feel his kicks, my belly is huge, and I haven't slept in months. However, the idea that pregnancy actually leads to a baby? Still not quite happening in my brain.
I still keep expecting to wake up and have this all be a dream. I imagine slipping quite easily back into my infertile, miserable, state -- that much more traumatized for having experienced everything the last eight months have brought.
And I don't know how to make it real. I don't think I can -- not until I'm holding B.B. in my arms.
So much of pregnancy has been different than I imagined -- and yet wonderful, magical, and terrible all at once. I'm sure that parenthood will be the same. And though I can picture myself parenting, see Mo and I doing all those things we've dreamed of doing for so long -- it still seems but a distant, hopeful, future.
Six weeks.
No time at all.
12 years.
A lifetime.
I'm not ready.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
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Honestly, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the concept and the Beats are 6 months old.
ReplyDeleteI think the best course is just doing what you can and not beating yourself up for what you're feeling/thinking. Being on this road for so long means we now know more than we should. So be good to yourself.
I have an 11-month-old and I'm still pinching myself. It's hard to reconcile the infertility with parenting.
ReplyDeleteThe great thing is that you don't need to be ready. The baby will arrive either way, whether you are ready or not. And then, parenting a newborn will all of a sudden be your reality and you will gear up for it big time. Trust yourself, if you can. You've made it this far in life.
I know you will be a wonderful mom once Baby Boy is here! I doubt anybody is ever totally ready to be a parent, or feels that way. hope the next few weeks go smoothly! as much as possible in late pregnancy, of course.
ReplyDeleteYup, I'm right there with you on this. I don't quite get how this squirmy thing in my belly is going to be an actual person living in our house in a couple of months. Ready or not, we are so gonna do this, and we're gonna rock it!
ReplyDeleteI would guess that every first-time pregnant lady (though that's not quite what you are, now, is it?) feels this way - wonder and difficulty imagining that there will be ANOTHER PERSON visible and behaving autonomously so soon. But the average pregnant lady doesn't have wonder and difficulty imagining mixed with full-on skepticism that this is possible for her personally. You have every good reason in the world to eye your circumstances askance. But as someone wisely said, these circumstances are happily different from so much of the fragility that characterizes the IF experience: they are robust and natural and occurring soon in a nursery near you - ready or not. You have the unique privilege of allowing life to HAPPEN to you, rather than be something that you struggle and strive for - unsuccessfully. You know - how it's supposed to be :).
ReplyDeleteI just said (typed) "unique privilege" and now I'm realizing how ridiculous and untrue that is. PRECIOUS privilege, though, to be sure.
ReplyDeleteIt is a miracle, you don't get used to this so easy. You will have moments when you look at the little person in your house, and wonder how you got to have him, to raise him, to just be the centre of his world for a little while, much to short and little while. Because they grow up so fast. You hear this all the time, but you cannot fathom it untill you do. Profound, eh? :-)
ReplyDeleteSorry about the GD. i had it both times. It was not the end of the world. But still. By now you must have found out what works for you and what not. Mo explained this so well back in that post, i was the same, a bit of pasta would blow my record, potatoes or fruit, I could have double portions. Just need to find your stride.
Not long now. Take care and enjoy this exquisite time.
I was in denial until I was being wheeled into the operating room for my c-section! I think it's fairly normal for first time moms- and especially for us infertiles. Enjoy your last few weeks of pregnancy!
ReplyDeleteI know you know how lucky you are, so please, for those of us who have also done 12+ years on this infertility journey who AREN'T going to get the happy ending you're about to experience in 6 weeks - let yourself believe that you're getting a baby at the end of this, enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteBecause plenty of us, unfortunately, don't come home with a happy ending. I, for one, refused to believe that I would take home my twins alive until I held them. Enjoying it for what it is is almost impossible when you are constantly afraid.
DeleteI couldn't believe I was going to take home an actual, live baby either... let alone two. Which explains why I didn't put the second crib together. I still can't believe they are mine sometimes, honestly!
ReplyDeleteLove reading your blog! You are very blessed!
ReplyDeletewww.mommy-dreaming.blogspot.com