I'm simply exhausted. After going several rounds with Mo last night, and again this morning, I just don't have it in me to keep going. I sort of lost my steam when he finally stopped yelling at me, hugged me, and whispered "I'm so sorry." It's the magic pill to calm the raging beast, I guess.
When I stopped bawling, and we got to talk, Mo admitted how terrified he is of losing this job. He feels as though it's his last chance at making his career work. And, honestly, he has a point. I love Mo, but his work ethic has been shitty the last two years. With his dad's illness and death, he has missed a lot of work, been late, and not been all there when he is there. While it's understandable from a wife's perspective, employers don't tend to care much about that. His spotty attendance and poor decisions cost him his last two jobs; he really is on his "last leg" so to speak. To top things off, his Issues of the Past make hiring outside of the district difficult (though not impossible). Without divulging too much that isn't mine to tell, let's just say his resume isn't stellar and his background imperfect. Some good friends stuck their necks out for him this time, and if he doesn't make it work, he will find it difficult to find another position. He has exhausted all of his resources so to speak!
And so we've reached an uncomfortable compromise, I guess. We are going to put it off for now, though Mo says not for long. He's going to man up and call the clinic himself, and I made him promise that if they want their meds back that HE is driving out there to return them. I'm just taking things one day at a time. I've told him how angry and hurt I am, and not to expect that to just disappear. He has apologized and explained his side -- what else can he do? (Besides the obvious). There is even a teeny tiny part of me that is relieved that I don't have to miss school so early in the year as well...though I'm not admitting that to Mo!
I'm still interested in ya'll's take on this. Please comment and let me know -- it's not necessarily going to change anything, but it may make me feel better! It's so hard to not have IRL friends to discuss this with -- which makes me even more grateful that I have you.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Dealbreaker?
I am so furious I could scream. In fact, I have. Some of you may have seen this coming, and I am kicking myself. Perhaps I should have, too.
Though I didn't blog about it, we had decided to go ahead as planned with our August/September IVF. My reasons for this were myriad, if a bit selfish. Regardless of the outcome of my marriage state, I want a child. I know that I can care for and love a child whether Mo's recently upgraded behavior continues or not. I have a vast support system and am O.K. with unconventional family situations. Rather like the SMBC's out there, I was not letting my marriage woes affect my determination to create a family.
And so, two weeks ago, I began birth control pills. We scheduled the week of our IVF. The nurses asked Dr. Optimistic for a protocol. Following his vacation in Greece, the protocol arrived two days ago. It then went home (in my chart) with the head IVF nurse for all the paperwork to be filed. It came back today.
During this time period, I kept asking Mo: are you sure you want to go through with this? Are you ready for this? With his precarious job situation and then-unemployment, I wanted to be sure not to push him. He assured me that he didn't want to wait. Let's do it, he says.
Today, after numerous back and forths, it was determined that I need to start Lupron. As in tonight. The wonderful staff at the hospital even have meds available to donate -- almost all that I will need. All I have to do is drive about an hour to pick them up. I call Mo, update him. "That's great!" he says.
Four hours and one tremendous thunderstorm later, I arrive home, meds and protocol in hand. Mo arrives soon after, home from the New Job. He asks how everything went, what our timeline is. I tell him that I will only need him for one day, plus a half day. Compared to the multiple days I will be taking off, his part is easy.
And then he drops the bomb. He was called into his supervisor's office earlier this week, with a warning. Not for anything he's done, but because his previous employer called his new one (or at least that's what we're assuming. Due to liability, no one is naming names). "Be here, and be on time." He is basically told to toe the line. His boss is choosing to withhold his professional (tenure) contract for another year, to see how he fits into this school. (He was eligible for it at the end of last school year, but did not get it). Not an ideal situation, but one that is understood. So, what is he really saying?
After many tears, the gist is this: Mo wants to wait. Again. He doesn't think he can take the time off right now, that he needs to make a good first impression. That a DAY AND A HALF is too much time off.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?
There are so many things wrong with his mindset that I can't even begin to list them all. The number one being that Mo has made this decision, end of discussion. No amount of crying, threatening, or explaining will budge him. I told him that HE needs to call our clinic and explain why, after I came down today and we rushed to do everything and they gave me $3000 worth of medications, that he is pulling the plug. He said, "Fine."
That I trusted him, believed him, and he knocked me down again is pissing me off. That he knows how much this is hurting me, and yet refuses to change his mind, hurts even more. Why didn't he talk to me about this earlier? Because he's chicken. He knew it would upset me, so he told me what I wanted to hear. He does that -- not just with me, with everyone. And then he wonders why people don't see him as reliable. He doesn't follow through. Not in personal relationships, not in his job, not ever. He's so scared of upsetting anyone that he makes promises he is unable to keep -- and then excuses when he can't keep them.
He is acting like this is no big deal. Like it doesn't matter if we push it back a few months -- and perhaps, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. But this is not the first time he's pushed it back, and I can't help but wonder what his excuse will be next time. That is if we ever manage to get that far because I have had it. I'm sleeping in the guest room tonight -- and that was another fight.
You remember the modus operandi, right? What does Mo do when he's pissed/depressed/angry/upset? You guessed it! While he was "thinking" about the situation, I graciously gave him his space. I went by the store and picked up dinner. When I returned, lo and behold, he had left.
Shocking, I know.
After several horrendous phone calls, he says he will be home "in a minute." An hour and a half later, he calls again and says the same thing. Surprisingly, he did arrive shortly thereafter. After looking throughout the house for me, he comes in and says "whatcha doin' in here?" Like NOTHING had happened. When I told him how furious I was, he got angry again (yes, it's a defense mechanism, I know that, but it's still infuriating.) And then he. . . . .
LEFT AGAIN. Yep, no surprises there.
I called him (because I'm a serious codependent, remember?) and told him that he couldn't have it always on his terms, that if he wanted to work this out he needed to come home to discuss it. He told me he knew how I felt, that no one on the planet felt shittier than he did (which made me want to say 'then why are you doing this, asshole?'), and that he would be home at 12.
And then he hung up on me.
As I reread this, trying to figure out what you guys will think when you read it, I am shaking my head. Even I cannot believe the events of this day have transpired. What DO you think? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Is my husband the biggest asshole EVER, or is he simply trying to make the "smartest" decision for us as a couple? Is he being reasonable, and I'm just overly emotional? As one of those women's magazines always writes: can this marriage be saved?
Though I didn't blog about it, we had decided to go ahead as planned with our August/September IVF. My reasons for this were myriad, if a bit selfish. Regardless of the outcome of my marriage state, I want a child. I know that I can care for and love a child whether Mo's recently upgraded behavior continues or not. I have a vast support system and am O.K. with unconventional family situations. Rather like the SMBC's out there, I was not letting my marriage woes affect my determination to create a family.
And so, two weeks ago, I began birth control pills. We scheduled the week of our IVF. The nurses asked Dr. Optimistic for a protocol. Following his vacation in Greece, the protocol arrived two days ago. It then went home (in my chart) with the head IVF nurse for all the paperwork to be filed. It came back today.
During this time period, I kept asking Mo: are you sure you want to go through with this? Are you ready for this? With his precarious job situation and then-unemployment, I wanted to be sure not to push him. He assured me that he didn't want to wait. Let's do it, he says.
Today, after numerous back and forths, it was determined that I need to start Lupron. As in tonight. The wonderful staff at the hospital even have meds available to donate -- almost all that I will need. All I have to do is drive about an hour to pick them up. I call Mo, update him. "That's great!" he says.
Four hours and one tremendous thunderstorm later, I arrive home, meds and protocol in hand. Mo arrives soon after, home from the New Job. He asks how everything went, what our timeline is. I tell him that I will only need him for one day, plus a half day. Compared to the multiple days I will be taking off, his part is easy.
And then he drops the bomb. He was called into his supervisor's office earlier this week, with a warning. Not for anything he's done, but because his previous employer called his new one (or at least that's what we're assuming. Due to liability, no one is naming names). "Be here, and be on time." He is basically told to toe the line. His boss is choosing to withhold his professional (tenure) contract for another year, to see how he fits into this school. (He was eligible for it at the end of last school year, but did not get it). Not an ideal situation, but one that is understood. So, what is he really saying?
After many tears, the gist is this: Mo wants to wait. Again. He doesn't think he can take the time off right now, that he needs to make a good first impression. That a DAY AND A HALF is too much time off.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?
There are so many things wrong with his mindset that I can't even begin to list them all. The number one being that Mo has made this decision, end of discussion. No amount of crying, threatening, or explaining will budge him. I told him that HE needs to call our clinic and explain why, after I came down today and we rushed to do everything and they gave me $3000 worth of medications, that he is pulling the plug. He said, "Fine."
That I trusted him, believed him, and he knocked me down again is pissing me off. That he knows how much this is hurting me, and yet refuses to change his mind, hurts even more. Why didn't he talk to me about this earlier? Because he's chicken. He knew it would upset me, so he told me what I wanted to hear. He does that -- not just with me, with everyone. And then he wonders why people don't see him as reliable. He doesn't follow through. Not in personal relationships, not in his job, not ever. He's so scared of upsetting anyone that he makes promises he is unable to keep -- and then excuses when he can't keep them.
He is acting like this is no big deal. Like it doesn't matter if we push it back a few months -- and perhaps, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. But this is not the first time he's pushed it back, and I can't help but wonder what his excuse will be next time. That is if we ever manage to get that far because I have had it. I'm sleeping in the guest room tonight -- and that was another fight.
You remember the modus operandi, right? What does Mo do when he's pissed/depressed/angry/upset? You guessed it! While he was "thinking" about the situation, I graciously gave him his space. I went by the store and picked up dinner. When I returned, lo and behold, he had left.
Shocking, I know.
After several horrendous phone calls, he says he will be home "in a minute." An hour and a half later, he calls again and says the same thing. Surprisingly, he did arrive shortly thereafter. After looking throughout the house for me, he comes in and says "whatcha doin' in here?" Like NOTHING had happened. When I told him how furious I was, he got angry again (yes, it's a defense mechanism, I know that, but it's still infuriating.) And then he. . . . .
LEFT AGAIN. Yep, no surprises there.
I called him (because I'm a serious codependent, remember?) and told him that he couldn't have it always on his terms, that if he wanted to work this out he needed to come home to discuss it. He told me he knew how I felt, that no one on the planet felt shittier than he did (which made me want to say 'then why are you doing this, asshole?'), and that he would be home at 12.
And then he hung up on me.
As I reread this, trying to figure out what you guys will think when you read it, I am shaking my head. Even I cannot believe the events of this day have transpired. What DO you think? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Is my husband the biggest asshole EVER, or is he simply trying to make the "smartest" decision for us as a couple? Is he being reasonable, and I'm just overly emotional? As one of those women's magazines always writes: can this marriage be saved?
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