A Beating Heart

Today was our first glimpse of my uterus in what seems like, well, forever. I cannot think of another time in recent months when I've gone almost a full 30 days without someone taking a peek at my inner girlie bits. But today, not quite one month after our 5-day FET, I got to see my little fighter and his/her tiny beating heart.

I'm in awe already.

I can hardly believe it.

This is going to work. This is going to work. This is going to work, dammit.

It's my mantra, people, and so far it seems to be paying off.

WHOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can ya'll hear that?

That's the breath that I've been holding for the last week (oh, who am I kidding? The last FIVE weeks)finally being released.

I am six weeks today, folks, and I am still pregnant.

Now if I can only get through another week, and see my baby's heartbeat, I might, just MIGHT, start to breathe normally again.

Because, really, this mind-numbing anxiety can't last forever.

And at some point, in the distant future, I might actually start to believe that this is really happening.

Or, at least, I might be able to go to the bathroom without having to thoroughly examine the toilet paper for microscopic traces of -- well, anything at all.

I'm trying, I really am. But, dammit, pregnancy after IF is HARD. And pregnancy after a miscarriage is EVEN HARDER.

And despite the fact that I'm preaching to the choir here, I could use a little bloggy love.

So please, if you haven't crossed that incomprehensible chasm yet, don't hate. It's not any less stressful over on this side, I promise.

It is, though, just a tiny bit more hopeful.

Wait For It....

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.....

.....

Drumroll, please!

With a doubling time of 33.19 hours, beta #2 came in today at .....


761!!!!!

I could not be more thrilled.

First u/s scheduled 16 days from now on May 28th, when we should be able to see a heartbeat.

Any advice on how to get through the next two weeks without going completely crazy?!?

269!

Which is just slightly above the average reported on Bet.a.bas.e. It's also higher than last time, even though we tested earlier this time. So, I am pleased.

The smidgen of pink has not reappeared, either. And I've googled the messy orange stuff enough to be confident that it's a normal side effect.

For today, at least, I've managed to put my neurosis aside and be happy.

I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, CBE Digital, How Do I Hate LOVE Thee!

Wretched pee sticks.

You've mocked me for many a year.

So many times you've slammed my hopes back down my throat with your stark, white spaces and glaring "Not Pregnant" status.

Only once have you had my back.

I wondered if we would ever again have a "normal" relationship.

Alas, it seems I was too quick to judge.

For today, at least, you seem to have changed your mind.

Let's make a deal, shall we?

Stick around this time and I just might take back everything bad I ever said about you.

The Ticking Clock(s)

Today is my birthday.

At 5dp5dt, I know I shouldn't take today's negative tests to heart. (Yes, tests, as in plural. I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment). I know that it's more rare to get a positive now than a negative. After all, last time I was a full 10dp3dt before I saw even the faintest line. I know that my BFP may only be a few days away. I know ALL of that....

But it's my birthday.

How wonderful it would have been to be able to give my husband this gift. . . oh, who am I kidding? How wonderful it would have been to RECEIVE this gift.

I'm telling myself that a few days later won't make any difference.

But I had hoped.

And now, just a tiny, tiny inkling of doubt has nudged its way into my consciousness. We have so much invested in this -- not just financially, although the costs of this "cheaper" FET are mounting every day. All of our emotions are invested, too.

Last night, before bed, Mo rubbed my belly. He talks to our babies, babies we know and love already, before we even know if they are going to stick around. Babies who, in my mind, already have names. Babies we have hoped for, prayed for, longed for for almost 8 years.

It doesn't help that I'm coming up against my own brick wall, my inner timeline that was in actuality surpassed years ago. When we started this process, I was the "ideal" IVF patient -- young, healthy, with no known reasons why I couldn't conceive or deliver a healthy child. Now, my fertility is declining and soon I will jump age brackets -- into that less-than-desireable category for IVF success. Not to mention that because of our employment and insurance situation, this is my last chance to have a baby before my own self-imposed deadline comes and goes.

So today is my birthday. And all I can see, all around me, are markers of time that is both dragging and flying by. The 2WW, my increasing age, and let us not forget: the clock that marks what might have been. Though not mentioned as often, I have not forgotten what Thursdays stand for. I still follow the blogs of my "luckier" sisters. I know what today is, and what it isn't.

What I don't know is what tomorrow will bring.