We come together when....opposites attract!
Ok, so I'm totally dating myself, but the truth is, I have ALWAYS thought that this song is a perfect description for Mo and me. But that's really not what I wanted to write about today. I really just wanted to kvetch for a moment (again!) about how many freakin' YEARS it took for my husband to be diagnosed with a testosterone-deficiency. Aside from our fertility woes, he has been beleaguered with extreme fatigue, mood swings, depression, the list goes on and on. And then, out of the blue, we are handed this Magic Cream and WOW!!! The man I started dating a decade ago is back! I am not exaggerating when I say he was like a new man. Instead of sleeping the days away, we got up and got out. We laughed. We had sex. A lot of sex. Good sex. In a matter of weeks, that cream did more to restore our marriage than any couples therapy or fertility treatment ever did. Mo felt vibrant, he felt happy -- and that made all the difference in the world!
And then. Dr. Expert, in his wisdom, told Mo to stop. And Mo did. Because the only thing he wants more than to feel better is he chance to be a father. And he is willing to suffer through whatever he has to suffer through if it will give him that shot. But man, it has been so deflating to watch him. Within days, his energy level plummeted. He sleeps most of the day -- and the night. He doesn't want to go anywhere, or do anything. We haven't had sex in over a week. I can actually SEE how awful he feels, and I feel so. damn. helpless.
He has three more weeks before his bloodwork appointment, and several days to wait for results. I am hoping that everything will be in by the time I go back for surgery, so that Dr. E. will give him the Clomid scrip then. I know that once he does, it won't be long before Mo is feeling better. And in the end, the chance to have a child of our own is totally worth it. I just hate watching my husband disappear in the meantime.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Motherfucker
Yep, I've got it. That damn gene mutation --MTHFR-- that I see all over the blogosphere. (Don't pretend that's not how you read that acronym, either.)
I am apparently heterozygous for A1289C. While that's a very common mutation (it is estimated that,like, half the population has it), and it's easily treated with folic acid and B-vitamin supplementation, it is also a possible explanation for our early miscarriages.
Know what else is? The ugly looking scar tissue Dr. Expert found that has basically fused my uterus shut. You know, the scar tissue I was worried about post D&C? The scar tissue I asked Dr. Down-to-Earth about before doing both our second fresh and second frozen cycles? The cycles that ended in a chemical pregnancy and an outright failure?
Yeah. To say that I am not happy is an understatement.
On the one hand, we finally have some ANSWERS. Which is great. Everything Dr. Expert has found can be treated. I will have surgery in early August, Mo can start the Clomid, and baby-making sex can commence as planned (that still seems like a bit of an oxymoron to me. Babies come from sex? Really?)
But, wow. Looking back, I am so angry. I am angry that Mo's counts were ignored for so long, and no one thought to check his hormone levels as a possible cause. I am angry that IVF with ICSI was presented as our only option. I am angry that Dr. Optimistic failed to tell me soon enough to increase my thyroid medication, which also could have contributed to the loss of Baby#2. I am angry that Dr. DTE neglected to include the MTHFR test in my miscarriage panel that was run before FET #2, and that he didn't think it necessary to check for scar tissue before either cycle, knowing that I had a D&C prior, and despite my voicing concerns about that very issue.
I feel like so many people that I trusted dropped the ball. Everyone assured me that our first loss was just a fluke, and it likely was. But after our second, I wanted EVERYTHING ruled out before proceeding. It wasn't, and now we have lost a year and $20,000 doing two doomed cycles. And we will spend another year gearing up for our final try.
So there you have it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I suppose every one of us with RPL or repeated ART failures feels this way at some point. We finally have some answers...I just wish we'd found them a little sooner.
I am apparently heterozygous for A1289C. While that's a very common mutation (it is estimated that,like, half the population has it), and it's easily treated with folic acid and B-vitamin supplementation, it is also a possible explanation for our early miscarriages.
Know what else is? The ugly looking scar tissue Dr. Expert found that has basically fused my uterus shut. You know, the scar tissue I was worried about post D&C? The scar tissue I asked Dr. Down-to-Earth about before doing both our second fresh and second frozen cycles? The cycles that ended in a chemical pregnancy and an outright failure?
Yeah. To say that I am not happy is an understatement.
On the one hand, we finally have some ANSWERS. Which is great. Everything Dr. Expert has found can be treated. I will have surgery in early August, Mo can start the Clomid, and baby-making sex can commence as planned (that still seems like a bit of an oxymoron to me. Babies come from sex? Really?)
But, wow. Looking back, I am so angry. I am angry that Mo's counts were ignored for so long, and no one thought to check his hormone levels as a possible cause. I am angry that IVF with ICSI was presented as our only option. I am angry that Dr. Optimistic failed to tell me soon enough to increase my thyroid medication, which also could have contributed to the loss of Baby#2. I am angry that Dr. DTE neglected to include the MTHFR test in my miscarriage panel that was run before FET #2, and that he didn't think it necessary to check for scar tissue before either cycle, knowing that I had a D&C prior, and despite my voicing concerns about that very issue.
I feel like so many people that I trusted dropped the ball. Everyone assured me that our first loss was just a fluke, and it likely was. But after our second, I wanted EVERYTHING ruled out before proceeding. It wasn't, and now we have lost a year and $20,000 doing two doomed cycles. And we will spend another year gearing up for our final try.
So there you have it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I suppose every one of us with RPL or repeated ART failures feels this way at some point. We finally have some answers...I just wish we'd found them a little sooner.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Strike That, Reverse It
Ok. So. The last post espousing my love for all things testosterone? I may have spoken just a teensy-bit early on that one.
We met with Dr. Expert yesterday. Again he was methodical and patient with my questions. I appreciate that he doesn't treat me like an idiot, and we can banter back and forth using acronyms while Mo stares baffled at the two of us. (It's the little things, people.). The good news is that we left the appointment full of Hope. (Yes, that bitch is back.) Here is our new plan of attack:
Mo will stop the t-gel immediately. It is, of course, killing all his little swimmers. In a few weeks/month, we will assess his FSH and LH (what the hell do men need with follicle-stimulating hormone, anyway?) and confirm that they are probably very shitty. Once we do that, he will start a low-dose Clomid regimen that will BOTH! Raise his testosterone AND increase his sperm counts! At the same damn time. Who knew? (ok, y'all did, but still.) We have to give it 90 days or so, then do an SA and see how much improvement he is making. After that, we are going to try to have sex. What I mean is, we will have sex, and see if anything happens. It's kind of a far out concept, but I've heard that some women actually do make babies that way. Huh.
Anyway, if that's a no-go after six months or so, we will proceed with IVF next summer.
I stand by my earlier statements: the most important thing to me is a healthy and happy husband. If that's not possible without testosterone therapy, then so be it. But I've done a ton of reading these past two days, and it seems like here has been a lot of success with the Clomid protocol. Check out this study here:
http://www.texasfertilitycenter.com/the-use-of-clomid-in-men/
I mean, holy shit! Increases from 15 million to 62 million? With 58% of couples planning on using IVF instead conceiving naturally? That's what I mean about Hope, people. We could actually DO this.
Of course, it wouldn't be me if there wasn't SOME bad news. I'll save that for my next post, though, as I kind of want to bask in the afterglow for a moment and fantasize for a wee second about being THAT girl (you know the one). The chances of course are slim, but I'll take 'em.
We met with Dr. Expert yesterday. Again he was methodical and patient with my questions. I appreciate that he doesn't treat me like an idiot, and we can banter back and forth using acronyms while Mo stares baffled at the two of us. (It's the little things, people.). The good news is that we left the appointment full of Hope. (Yes, that bitch is back.) Here is our new plan of attack:
Mo will stop the t-gel immediately. It is, of course, killing all his little swimmers. In a few weeks/month, we will assess his FSH and LH (what the hell do men need with follicle-stimulating hormone, anyway?) and confirm that they are probably very shitty. Once we do that, he will start a low-dose Clomid regimen that will BOTH! Raise his testosterone AND increase his sperm counts! At the same damn time. Who knew? (ok, y'all did, but still.) We have to give it 90 days or so, then do an SA and see how much improvement he is making. After that, we are going to try to have sex. What I mean is, we will have sex, and see if anything happens. It's kind of a far out concept, but I've heard that some women actually do make babies that way. Huh.
Anyway, if that's a no-go after six months or so, we will proceed with IVF next summer.
I stand by my earlier statements: the most important thing to me is a healthy and happy husband. If that's not possible without testosterone therapy, then so be it. But I've done a ton of reading these past two days, and it seems like here has been a lot of success with the Clomid protocol. Check out this study here:
http://www.texasfertilitycenter.com/the-use-of-clomid-in-men/
I mean, holy shit! Increases from 15 million to 62 million? With 58% of couples planning on using IVF instead conceiving naturally? That's what I mean about Hope, people. We could actually DO this.
Of course, it wouldn't be me if there wasn't SOME bad news. I'll save that for my next post, though, as I kind of want to bask in the afterglow for a moment and fantasize for a wee second about being THAT girl (you know the one). The chances of course are slim, but I'll take 'em.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Side Effects and Their Repercussions
I know many of you were concerned about my last update re: Mo's low testosterone and our decision to go ahead with the treatments for it. Let me reassure you that we did due diligence and I read approximately forty-jillion reports about the side effects. I am VERY aware that what we are doing will most likely kill off the few two-headed, lazy swimmers we have left.
And I'm okay with that.
While it may sound totally counter-intuitive, I can definitely say that, for us, it was worth the risk. And that decision has been solidified in the two weeks since Mo started using the T-gel. IT'S LIKE HE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON, Y'ALL.
I can't explain it, except to say that I can visibly see the depression lifting. Some of it, I am sure, is the anti-anxiety medication, but the biggest change came within a day or two of starting the testosterone therapy. And the change is so significant, that I don't think I would even want him to stop, sperm-slaughtering tendencies or not. I know many of you cannot even fathom this scenario, so let me try to explain my thinking.
First and foremost, y'all, it's not my body. And therefore, ultimately, I don't feel like its my decision. Sure, I wanted Mo to consider all the risks, but I didn't have to live with how he was feeling. He did, and therefore only he should get to decide what to do about it. A few days after beginning treatment, Mo told me he hasn't felt this good in nearly a decade. A DECADE you guys. I cant discount how badly he was feeling, or the amount of relief the meds seem to have brought him. I know that if one day I decided IVF was too much and that I didn't want to put myself through it anymore, I honestly believe Mo would respect that. Because I am the one who has to endure the shots, and the surgeries, and the losses. It's my body, and my call. The same goes for him.
Secondly, our primary care physician didn't seem concerned. I mentioned the hundreds of stories I read online, all assuring me that we were essentially electing to kill off every single swimmer he had by treating this condition. His response? He's surprised Mo is making any sperm at all anyway. His testosterone was THAT low. He said the cases in which sperm production shuts down is when the body has an excess of testosterone. Given how abysmal Mo's numbers were, he doesn't believe that will be a problem. If anything, he thinks this might actually increase his sperm counts. While I am less optimistic on that front, it does lead us to point number three.
Mo's sperm suck ass. I mean, really, really, really suck ass. Not only is his volume low, but his motility is awful. During both of our fresh cycles, his sperm was found to be 99% abnormal. We've tried everything: diet changes, lifestyle changes, supplements, losing weight, you name it. And while he has seen a marginal increase in volume and motility, the bottom line remains the same: they aren't pretty, my friends. We've managed to create 26 lovely embryos, most of which fizzled out pretty quickly and none of which made it past eight weeks. I just can't discount the role that male factor is playing in our infertility and even in our losses. I don't BLAME my husband-- he has no control over his gametes. But, so far, not one test has indicated that I have anything going on that would cause/contribute to our repeated losses and failures to conceive.
So. Worst case scenario? The t-gel makes my husband feel like a rock star and then murders all his swimmers. We move on, either to adoption (already in the works) or DS/IUI.
I can live with that.
Would I love for this to be the answer to our problems? You bet. Nothing would make me happier than seeing TLIVFENRIMITT be successful, and a baby born of mine and Mo's gametes the result. But the bottom line is that we want to be parents, and at this point neither of us really cares how exactly that happens. But when it does, I want my partner to be happy and healthy, feeling good and capable of tackling each day. If that means giving up a genetic link to our child, then so be it.
We're going into this with our eyes wide open, knowing that the outcome is completely out of our hands--but also knowing that we have options, and answers, waiting somewhere just out of reach.
And I'm okay with that.
While it may sound totally counter-intuitive, I can definitely say that, for us, it was worth the risk. And that decision has been solidified in the two weeks since Mo started using the T-gel. IT'S LIKE HE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON, Y'ALL.
I can't explain it, except to say that I can visibly see the depression lifting. Some of it, I am sure, is the anti-anxiety medication, but the biggest change came within a day or two of starting the testosterone therapy. And the change is so significant, that I don't think I would even want him to stop, sperm-slaughtering tendencies or not. I know many of you cannot even fathom this scenario, so let me try to explain my thinking.
First and foremost, y'all, it's not my body. And therefore, ultimately, I don't feel like its my decision. Sure, I wanted Mo to consider all the risks, but I didn't have to live with how he was feeling. He did, and therefore only he should get to decide what to do about it. A few days after beginning treatment, Mo told me he hasn't felt this good in nearly a decade. A DECADE you guys. I cant discount how badly he was feeling, or the amount of relief the meds seem to have brought him. I know that if one day I decided IVF was too much and that I didn't want to put myself through it anymore, I honestly believe Mo would respect that. Because I am the one who has to endure the shots, and the surgeries, and the losses. It's my body, and my call. The same goes for him.
Secondly, our primary care physician didn't seem concerned. I mentioned the hundreds of stories I read online, all assuring me that we were essentially electing to kill off every single swimmer he had by treating this condition. His response? He's surprised Mo is making any sperm at all anyway. His testosterone was THAT low. He said the cases in which sperm production shuts down is when the body has an excess of testosterone. Given how abysmal Mo's numbers were, he doesn't believe that will be a problem. If anything, he thinks this might actually increase his sperm counts. While I am less optimistic on that front, it does lead us to point number three.
Mo's sperm suck ass. I mean, really, really, really suck ass. Not only is his volume low, but his motility is awful. During both of our fresh cycles, his sperm was found to be 99% abnormal. We've tried everything: diet changes, lifestyle changes, supplements, losing weight, you name it. And while he has seen a marginal increase in volume and motility, the bottom line remains the same: they aren't pretty, my friends. We've managed to create 26 lovely embryos, most of which fizzled out pretty quickly and none of which made it past eight weeks. I just can't discount the role that male factor is playing in our infertility and even in our losses. I don't BLAME my husband-- he has no control over his gametes. But, so far, not one test has indicated that I have anything going on that would cause/contribute to our repeated losses and failures to conceive.
So. Worst case scenario? The t-gel makes my husband feel like a rock star and then murders all his swimmers. We move on, either to adoption (already in the works) or DS/IUI.
I can live with that.
Would I love for this to be the answer to our problems? You bet. Nothing would make me happier than seeing TLIVFENRIMITT be successful, and a baby born of mine and Mo's gametes the result. But the bottom line is that we want to be parents, and at this point neither of us really cares how exactly that happens. But when it does, I want my partner to be happy and healthy, feeling good and capable of tackling each day. If that means giving up a genetic link to our child, then so be it.
We're going into this with our eyes wide open, knowing that the outcome is completely out of our hands--but also knowing that we have options, and answers, waiting somewhere just out of reach.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
