Hormones or not, I'm simultaneously wiping tears from my eyes and giggling like a madwoman reading (and re-reading) your comments. So much love and support and REALNESS. I am so damn lucky to have you all in my corner.
I am still struggling a little as we approach six weeks. I'm healing physically, but the sleep deprivation is wreaking havoc with my moods. I'm extremely fatigued despite frequent daily naps. Mo has been a champ, taking BB every chance he can and insisting I get some sleep. He has come through for me in ways I never imagined. And yet, I still feel never feel really and truly happy, despite the fact I've got everything I ever wanted.
I finally called my OB and made an appointment to discuss the possibility of PPD. There's a history of it in my family, and I myself took meds for depression in my twenties (though I always stopped my medication when doing IVF). I know the lack of sleep is a major factor in it right now, too. Still, Mo seems to be doing so much better at this parenting gig than I am. I am scared to tell him how I really feel, afraid he will judge me or think I'm ungrateful. The truth is I still feel (distant? detached?) as though BB isn't truly mine. I haven't bonded with him the way I want to. I'm taking care of him, meeting his needs, but I'm not enjoying it. I know our interactions suffer because of it. Most of the day I long to put him down, holding him only out of obligation and/or necessity. I feel awful writing that, but brute honesty is what you've come here for, isn't it? I watch Mo sing and laugh and play with BB and I want that, too. I want to ENJOY, not simply tolerate, my baby. And so to the doc we go, to see if there is anything she can do.
The other main issue we're having is feeding related. BB has an upper lip and a tongue tie that have prevented successful breastfeeding, and so I've been exclusively pumping for the past month. To say it sucks would be an understatement. I've dropped to four pumps per day (from six, though most women who EP do eight), and still struggle with the amount of time I'm hooked up to a machine. It's difficult to juggle pumping with feeding and entertaining BB (who always seems to need me in the middle of it).
I've also had issues with engorgement and painful recurrent plugged ducts that make every movement agony. I want to quit, to switch to formula, but Mo feels strongly that breastmilk is best for BB. And so I'm (once again) conflicted. How do I balance my desire to include Mo as an equal voice in parenting decisions with my desire to have my breasts/body back, which I know will help my bonding and sleep issues? How do we compromise on an issue like this, where it's really one thing or another? (I've tried dropping pumps and stretching out the time in between them, but that just makes the engorgement/plugged duct situation worse.)
So there you are. Six weeks after I finally got what I've always wanted, and I'm still not happy. I am, however, actively seeking help, so maybe my next update will be a bit cheerier. Please tell me I'm not alone - did any of you struggle to bond with your newborn or face (seemingly insurmountable) feeding problems?
