My Sister Thinks I'm Crazy....

...and I probably am.

But, for now, Mo and I are talking.  And that's good.

He came home sober, with money in hand to pay the bills -- two things I wasn't expecting.

I spent the weekend packing.  My "teacher room" is filled with boxes of my personal items.  My clothes and bedding are at my mom's. But, for now, I'm still here.

I looked all weekend for a rental, and found a few potentials.  I opened a new checking account that Mo doesn't have access to.  I was, for all intents and purposes, ready to walk.

But, damn him, he can be so sincere, and so convincing.

He has agreed to counseling, something that I absolutely insisted upon.

He has agreed not to leave town and spend money on ANYTHING unless the bills are paid first.

He has agreed to put treatment discussions back on the table WHEN I DETERMINE I'M READY.  (Which, no need to worry, is NOT right now.  I'm dumb, but not THAT dumb.)

So what does all this mean?  Hell if I know.  It could mean nothing, and I could be facing this same situation again in a few weeks, or a few months.  It could mean that things really ARE better (and not just my imagination) and that he really IS changing (as he insists).  It could mean I'm hanging on to a dying relationship, or it could mean that we're just in the middle of some really shitty stuff.  It does seems as though we've been in the middle of some really shitty stuff for several years now....

*Sigh.* There are no easy answers.  Right now, there are no answers at all.  Just me, taking my time to think things through and make sure I have no regrets.

Happy Thanksgiving, my bloggy friends.  I'm most grateful this year for you, and the way you've supported me no matter what.  I hope your holidays are filled with a lot less drama than mine.

The End of the Road?

I think I may have reached my breaking point.

Mo has, once again, fallen off the wagon...or horse...or whatever you want to call it.  He came  home drunk last night and picked a fight.  Tonight he fled town to meet up with a friend of his that he hasn't spoken to in six months without talking to me about it first...and had the nerve to ask me to hold off on paying the bills this weekend so that he'd have plenty of money to gamble/party with.

I read and re-read that last sentence, and I wonder what the hell took me so long.

I wonder why I'm even hesitating right now.

This isn't a marriage, not one that I want to be a part of, anyway.

We've tried everything.  He refuses to go to counseling -- and I refuse to do this any more.

This is one cycle that I DO have complete control over.

And I'm choosing to stop it.

I CAN have a child -- with or without a husband -- if that's what's important to me.

My mother told me, several years ago, that I would know when I had done everything I could to save my marriage.  She said that then, and only then, would I be able to walk away.

While logistically it may take a few weeks to physically walk away, I think that I'm pretty much done.

There has to be something better out there for me.

I DESERVE something better.

The craziest thing of all is that I still love my husband.  I think I always will.  I love the man he is when he is sober, the man he was when we first met, the man he has been since we moved here.   I love who he is when other people are around.

I don't love what he's done to our marriage, or what he has done to my soul, the last ten years.  I don't love the way he belittles me or makes me feel crazy when we are alone.

I want a partner, someone who can hold me up instead of tearing me down.  I want someone to help and make my days easier, not more difficult.

I wanted Mo to be that man.  I no longer believe he can be, and I'm running out of time waiting for him to figure things out.

The next few weeks are going to be unpleasant, and I may not be able to blog.  Please know that I'm in a safe place, and that I have my family's support.  I could use your thoughts and prayers, even though I don't know if I believe in God as such anymore.

I just keep telling myself that when one door closes, another opens.  This may be the end of the road for my marriage, but it isn't the end of the road when it comes to building my family.

I WILL be a mother, someday.  It may not be the way I pictured it ten years ago, but, after all I've been through, I will appreciate it that much more.

 

Crybaby

I cried Tuesday night on the way home from my sister's.  I cried last night while making dinner.  And I cried tonight on the way home from a fabulous chili feast with my parents.

I'm happy, deep down inside.  Things this November are so much better than they were a year ago.

So why can't I stop crying?  Why can't I forget what I've never had, what never was?

How can you miss someone so much that you've never met?

Especially when they may never be anything more than a figment of your imagination?