It's tempting to just walk away from this blog without an update, to leave my happy ending intact for those who may stumble upon this later. But it would be disingenuous at best. Because my happy ending at the birth of my second child didn't signal a happily ever after, not in any sense.
Perhaps long-time readers will not be surprised to hear that Mo and I are getting divorced. Given the turbulence of our Life Before Babies, is it any wonder that our marriage has finally crumbled beyond repair? More likely, there will be those whose surprise lies only in the fact that they never thought I would leave. I know Mo didn't. And yet, that's exactly what I've done.
It's a long, long story - not one I care to rehash in detail at the moment. Not in this space, not at this time. Maybe later, maybe never. Suffice to say that there are myriad factors at play, many of which surfaced at some point during our journey to become parents. My sister, who has a knack for speaking truths no one wants to hear, told me that Mo held out the promise of ART as a dangling carrot for me for many years, and she isn't entirely wrong. I stayed far longer than I should have, for selfish reasons. I wanted that family I had always dreamed of, and I was willing to tolerate a lot of bullshit in order to achieve that dream.
Until, one day, I wasn't. They tell you that having kids changes everything, and "they" are right. Once my boys were watching, and absorbing, and learning from us how to have a relationship, things became far less tolerable.
When their safety came into question, though, it moved past intolerance and right into Nopesville. As in - nope. Not today, motherfucker. Not ever again.
So there you have it. Fifteen years after this journey began, we finally have the children we fought so hard for. They are not only the best thing to come out of our marriage, but likely the only thing of true value. My boys are my light: my sun, my moon, my stars. They are the reason I continue to fight, for a better life for all of us.
Mo and Jo are, to put it mildly, no longer working. While this reality shatters my heart into a million pieces, I'm also old enough to realize that time will put those pieces back together again. Like all of us who have experienced loss, I will never again be the person I was. But having traveled the winding and treacherous path of infertility, and survived, I am confident that somehow I will emerge from the other side of this, too.
If you care to follow along as I start over, I can be found here. Thank you, my bloggy friends, for all the love and support over the years. I wouldn't have made it to this point without you.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
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