No Holds Barred

In answer to my friend Nina's wonderful advice on my last post, I feel the need to clarify my responses to Mo's comments just a little bit. Be assured, my Internet friends, that I absolutely didn't hold back in the face of my husband's insane assertions. It's just that my replies were nowhere near as funny as his blatant cluelessness. I MOST DEFINITELY reminded him of the very latest and greatest "can't do it, honey" incident. When he feigned shock that I was STILL PISSED about it, I let him know in no uncertain terms that I AM still furious, and I will probably remain so until. . .well, forever. And that, gracious and wonderful person that I am, I am simply trying to move on, given that I can't change the situation. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten, or forgiven, him for it -- and I haven't pretended that I have, either. At that point, he did exactly what Nina said he would -- out the door (counting his blessings, I am sure, that he had football meetings to occupy the rest of his night). He came home apologetic and conceded the point -- so clearly he heard SOME of what I said. Was he able to file it into his long-term memory? Of that I am less sure -- but for now, we'll say the record holds steady at Jo: 1,234, 789,976 and Mo: 0.

What Planet Are You From, Anyway?!?

Like most arguments, the one today stemmed from something small. Soon, though, emotions were high and "true" feelings emerged. Actual quotes that I may (someday) find amusing:

Mo: How would you feel if I didn't need you?
Jo: You mean, if you could handle things by yourself?


And then there was:

Mo: You don't do anything I ask you to do. (This said after I went and got him lunch, cleaned the house, and was in the middle of folding his clothes for the week.)
Jo: Really. Huh. Interesting.


And, then, of course, my personal favorite:

Mo: I would do anything you asked me to.
Jo: Seriously? You don't do anything I ask you to!
Mo: Really? Name one thing you've asked me to do that I haven't.


If I wasn't so goddamned furious, it would be fucking hilarious. I mean, hello? Reality, let me introduce you to my husband. I don't believe you've met before. . . .

Silencing the Inner Voice

One of the "problems" with becoming more self-aware is that there are times when, quite honestly, I would like to be able to shut myself up -- and I am finding that harder and harder to do. The inner voice that jumps to conclusions, that is quick to assume the worst, that is simply TIRED OF THIS SHIT gets harder and harder to ignore.

And yet, more and more consciously, that's exactly what I find myself doing. Turning it off. Looking the other way. Letting go.

At what point does letting someone do their thing cross the line from independence into deliberate ignorance? And, after all this time and experience, is ignorance even really possible?

There are times when I wonder if the "healthy" reaction is really healthy at all.

Not Nothing

Over the years, I have become really good at stuffing my true feelings deep inside. Oh, sure, I vent loudly to my oft-times delinquent husband, but to everyone else it's "peachy keen." Only recently have I begun to indulge selectively to real-life confidants about how I really feel about the shitstorm that has been my life. My mother, bless her, has listened and remained supportive (I'm still not quite sure how), and still civil to my hubby. I've spent a lot of time this summer re-discovering myself, finding ways to voice my inner feelings in a way that feels healthy. And yet, I'm still not happy.

I stood in the laundry room this evening, folding clothes, the house quiet and still and I realized that I am still unhappy. I also realized that I don't really know why. My job is wonderful, Mo and I are getting along quite well, he's doing everything I could possibly ask of him. So why am I still dissatisfied? Why am I unable to let go of my anger?

Even more disturbing was the thought that crosses my mind more often than I wish to admit: will I ever be content? Or am I destined to be one of those people for whom the grass is always greener on the other side?

Too. . . Just Too.

Too little going on to justify a blog post. Too much new stuff happening to get it straight in my brain. Home life is proceeding nicely. . .both of us are working hard and getting along as well as two cranky, tired people can. Which is to say we had a fabulous weekend, a nice "break" from the daily grind. The new job is simply FABULOUS and I am loving every second. It is so very, very different that I can hardly even begin to list the ways. I am finally feeling as though I am MAKING A DIFFERENCE and that I have found MY PLACE IN THE WORLD. How crazy is that?

The RE was wonderfully understanding about Mo's desire to put things off for a while, and the nurse offered to put us on the calendar for December. They are doing two runs the first two weeks before the holidays. When I told Mo, he actually cheered. "All right, baby with my birthday!" he said. I was touched because that means he remembered (our first IUI was in December of 2007 -- we calculated the birthdate then). He is seemingly on board and feels that he will have established himself enough by then to move forward, and I feel much better not having an "indefinitely" hanging over our heads.

Here's to the holidays -- the first ones I've looked forward to in several years.