Monday, June 24, 2013

I'm Not Obsessing

Really, I'm not. I prefer to call it "analyzing." Predicting, even. But obsessing

Just because I like to know my numbers --all of them--and I like to compare them to previous cycles doesn't mean I'm obsessing

Just because I google "follicle counts during IVF stim day 7" or "endometrial growth per day" or "success rates third time IVF" after every appointment just means I like to have information--the more, the better. 

I tried explaining this to Mo yesterday. I know that I can't control the outcome of this cycle. I can't control how many follicles grow, or how thick my lining gets.  I can't control how many eggs get retrieved, how many fertilize, or whether or not they implant. But, somehow, knowing what's going on gives me a sense of control -- even if it's a total illusion. Knowing my numbers doesn't stress me out -- it's not knowing that makes me crazy. Even when things aren't progressing like I wish they would (just 9 follies? Lining at 7.7 mm?), KNOWING is better than not knowing. 

We've had several minor non-events this cycle, including a cyst at baseline that had to be aspirated, missing e2 levels from a local Labcorp, slow-to-respond ovaries, and running out of meds while out-of-town. I have tried --oh, how I have tried! -- to roll with the punches and not to freak-out. But, I will admit, this IVF is consuming a little more head-space than I wanted it to.  I am 95% certain that tomorrow's appt. will be our last before trigger, and I am incredibly nervous. I know exactly what to expect, and I know exactly how little control I really have. 

And so I google, and I analyze, and I hope for the best. 

Obsessed? 

What IVF patient isn't? 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Becoming An Atheist: Natural Disasters

This post is the latest in a series I am writing about the many varied reasons I have questioned my faith and eventually grown comfortable identifying as an atheist. The views I post here are strictly my own, and I welcome CIVIL discourse, sincere questions, and respectful disagreements. I will NOT tolerate hate speech of any kind, so please moderate your comments, so that I don't have to. :-) For more posts on this topic, click the "Becoming an Atheist" tab at the top of the page.    

I am sure, by now, that many of you have seen the "unprecedented" reaction of Rebecca Vitsum when asked if she "thanked the Lord" for her survival in the devastating tornadoes that hit Oklahoma a few months ago.  She was genuine, if a bit awkward, and incredibly brave for admitting that she doesn't believe that God had anything to do with it.

And, watching all the wreckage, I honestly wonder how anyone else can.  How can these natural disasters be attributed to God?  Or, perhaps more accurately, how can your survival, amid the devastating deaths of many, be due to "God's plan?"  If these events are planned, and under God's control, then he is sick, twisted, and evil.  How can such events be described as anything else?  What "good" comes from the death of children, helplessly buried in the rubble?  (For that matter, it simply kills me that people will publicly proclaim how "blessed" they are to have been spared, receiving nods of agreement from all sides--while standing next to the parents of dead children.  How is that merciful?  How is that "good?"  Even if you privately believe that God spared your life for some yet-unknown divine plan, uttering such thoughts in the presence of grieving parents seems beyond tacky.  Had my child died in such a tragic way, I would not have been nearly as polite as Ms. Vitsum in expressing my thoughts on the matter.)

On the other hand, if these events are not part of God's "plan", then he is not omniscient nor omnipotent.  If there are things he cannot control, then is he really "God?"  It's similar to the argument for evil, and it's the kind of logic that I have yet to see Christians have a satisfactory answer for.   Unlike in ancient times, most people today(Fred Phelps, notwithstanding) do not believe that natural disasters are a punishment from God, nor the weather a result of our prayers.  Yet we still believe -- or at least, profess to believe -- that he intervenes in our daily lives, from helping us to find our lost car keys to curing our latest cold.

Rebecca Vitsum defied traditional safety precautions and saved her own life -- and that of her son.  Had she stayed in her "safe spot" in her bathroom, praying, instead of getting into her car, there is no doubt that neither of them would be with us today.  Natural disasters take many lives, all over the world, every single day.  They devastate communities, families, and countries.  They destroy families.  Apologetics will blame this on "sin" and the fall of man, leading to an imperfect world.  Beyond raising even more questions (which it does, and which I will address in another post), this answer fails to explain how God can be both in control and blameless at the same time.

My heart aches for those who have been affected by recent disasters -- Hurricane Irene, the Oklahoma tornadoes, the wildfires in California and Colorado.  I, for one, do not believe that those people who have lost their homes, their family members, and their livelihoods, are being "punished" by an unseen deity, any more than I believe that those of us who remain (as yet) unaffected are somehow "blessed."

We live on Earth, and natural forces create natural disasters.  God's got nothing to do with it.