Left Behind

I didn't mean to go MIA, I promise.  I'm simply swamped with life, and work, and trying to find a balance that leaves me time to do anything besides clean the house or work on lesson plans.  I'm finally starting to get ahead, and promise to try to be a better blogger/commenter/friend.

I must confess, though,  I'm finding it kind of hard to read many of the blogs in my reader these days.  It seems like everyone is either pregnant or in the throes of an IVF cycle.  Everyone else, here and in IRL,  is moving on, except me.  I am tired of being the bitchy infertile, but I just feel left behind.  It's like everyone is graduating, and I've got to go to summer school.  All I want is that diploma, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I'm stuck in the audience, watching all my friends walk across that stage.  They are all celebrating (as well they should) and moving onto the next chapter in their lives.  Meanwhile, I'm here in limbo, still unsure of whether or not I'll ever get to join them, and yet knowing that life will continue to go on regardless.

Mo is making great strides in softening up toward adoption.  I think he's finally coming to the realization that that is quite likely the only way we will ever be parents.  I've quietly started researching all our options, weighing pros and cons of the different paths, and trying to wrap my head around the entire process.  Fellow adopters may shake their heads at my ignorance, but I honestly believe that after all we've been through in the IF world, adoption will seem a helluva lot simpler.  Yes, there's a ton of paperwork, and yes, there's a ton of waiting -- but haven't I been doing that already?  My medical history is as convoluted as my marital one, and I've filled out more than my fair share of forms, affidavits, etc. in the last six years. :-)  And don't even get me started on the waiting!!!!  After nine years and eight months of TTC  -- what's a little longer?

Our "Final FET" as I've begun to call it is tentatively scheduled for November/December.  I got the cycle plan in the mail today, and was so tickled to see how low-maintenance Dr. Down-to-Earth is making it.  Estrace for a few weeks, ONE sonogram (done locally), followed by more Estrace.  Start POI a few days prior to transfer.  Continue until pregnancy test.  That's it.  It almost seems a bit anti-climatic -- certainly not the ending that I anticipated to our fertility treatment journey.

And that's where we are.  Pretty much in the same place we were a month ago, but with slightly more optimistic outlooks for the future.  I keep trying to convince myself that pregnancy is just a tedious, exhausting means to an end -- and through adoption, I can bypass all that misery!  Certainly my body isn't a fan of gestating, as it so efficiently rid itself of all products of conception each and every time we tried to convince it that, truly, that WAS what nature intended it to do.  (Ha!  The uterus scoffs).

I know, I know...I'm a broken record these days.  I've just been on this rollercoaster for way too long and, people, I really, really, really want to get off.

I just don't want to get off emptyhanded.