The Honeymoon Period

Short, but oh so sweet!

I was welcomed home by an exuberant and enthusiastic spouse. . .so much so that I questioned who he was and what he had done with my husband! The house was sparkling, the dogs were groomed, and Mo was attentive, solicitious, and sweet.

He claims that this is the "new and improved" model and that he has indeed turned over a new leaf. I am hesitant to jump right on board this train, but am pleased with what I've seen this week anyway. Together we have maintained a much more equal status than before my trip, with division of household duties, expenses, etc. falling onto his shoulders to a greater extent than ever before. He's been cheerful about all of it -- which makes the skeptical me wonder how long before the other shoe drops.

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On another note, today was THE DAY that I've been dreading for a while. Today marks one year since Mo lost his father, and I expected it to be an emotional and exhausting day. While it turned out much more pleasant than I anticipated, I can't help but reflect on the grieving process we've all been through the past twelve months. Mo's grief has, I believe, been the catalyst for his bad behavior -- though it is no excuse. On the surface Mo seems to be in a much better place emotionally than he was 10, 8, or even 6 months ago. I'm not stupid, though -- I realize that I may never understand the depth of his grief, or how long it may take for him to emerge from it. I know enough from reading blogs about loss to know that he will never be the same, that the pain he feels will be with him every single day for the rest of his life. That somehow the best I can hope for is for him to mend, and to reach some understanding that he is irreversibly broken, yet still whole.

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And so the shoe dropped. He was, of course, invited to play poker with some friends tonight. He did, of course, hem and haw about going. He said he wanted to stay in, that he wanted to spend time with me, that he wanted to be good. He said he knew I'd only been home four or five days and that he needed to build my trust more, to convince me that he was indeed a "new man." And then what? You know this drill -- he left anyway.

It's the same story all over again -- except it's not. This time, I'm not raging, I'm not bawling, and I'm not stressing. Because here is one thing I learned from going back to my mother's house: I will be okay. I am strong, I am capable, and I am loved. If Mo doesn't realize what a catch I am by now, then that's his loss. I did tell him (via phone) that this game really doesn't work for me any more. I told him that a relationship was a two way street that had to work for both people. His need to go out "with the boys" is not a scene I am really interested in anymore. I have grown up -- something I see that he clearly has not yet done.

And so we wait. We wait and see exactly how "improved" my Mo has really become. Will he come home by 1:00 a.m. as he claims? Will he make it in the morning to the church tutoring session as he promised our youth pastor? Will this be just one night -- or one of many?

I don't know, and in the past that would have made me crazy. But something in me has changed. I am finally learning to let go, and to be willing to wait and see what happens. I can't control the outcome anyway, so what's the use in stressing about it?

I've rambled on for too long now; I am tired and headed to bed. I didn't even get to share my AWESOME news (not baby-related, so don't panic). I'll leave you with that cliffhanger, and once again thank my bloggy friends for all of your support as I struggle and ramble through trying to make sense of this thing called life.

Hugs to you all.

Happy F*#!ing Fourth!

That's what I felt like screaming out the door as Mo and Friend headed out about an hour ago (don't worry, I kept my sanity and did not do so). It's just -- well, typical.

I'm going to break my own rule, for a moment, and tell you a little story that really isn't mine to tell. I do this for background, so you can understand WHY I am so infuriated.

Mo was recently "let go" from his job. This is not a new situation; he has been released from just about every teaching job he has ever had at the end of the year. The reasons have been varied, including not keeping his certification current, taking too many days off (which he did a lot when his dad was sick), to this year's district restructuring, which resulted in the job loss of approximately 100 teachers who were on tenure-track (he would have received it this year). Anyway, I digress.

One of the reasons cited for Mo's not being invited back was that during his last evaluation, the television in his classroom was showing unauthorized TV (BET was on). Now, I know this is a stupid move on Mo's part, but hear me out. He had organized a food day for his students, something that as an ESE teacher they don't get often. He had spent a lot of his own money to feed them, cooked all day, and was given about an hour's notice of the observation. He tried to ask the AP to reschedule, but she did not. She arrived the last 15 minutes of class, and so witnessed only the "party" scene, and not any regular classroom instruction (this was the week before Finals Week).

One of Mo's biggest "beefs" (which I have listened to umpteen times this summer) was how his AP didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE all the good he was trying to do, the money and effort he spent, and instead focused on the negative.

That is exactly how I feel today. I spent over $150 on food, cooked and cleaned all day, entertained my neice, did several home improvements, waited on his grandfather, etc. etc. etc.

Instead of being acknowledged, I am "rewarded" by being ditched as he and Friend go out on the town (But, honey, it's Friend's last night in town! I never see him! It's been at least four months since we went out (not including two nights ago).

The same situation that he hated, reversed upon him. I pointed it out, too.

I called him shortly after he left, and I told him everything I just told you. I also told him that he didn't think I was serious. That he didn't really believe that I was thisclose to leaving behind the house, the pups, EVERYTHING just so that I could get some goddamned SLEEP at night and stop feeling so rejected. Because that's how I feel -- like somehow, I'm not enough. Oh, he tells me that's not true, he tells me how I am everything to him, BUT THEN HE LEAVES.

Tomorrow, I am going to break the code of silence. It's been broken before, but only when absolutely necessary. Before, it was necessary for his survival. Now, it is necessary for mine.*

I am going to tell a friend the truth, and I am going to ask her for help. I'm looking for a cheap hotel in which to spend the next few days before I head home. I've already told Mo that he and I have some serious issues to discuss when I return. He, of course, knows I'm pissed but thinks it will all have "blown over" by morning. I know he needs a wakeup call, and I hope that this will do the trick.

Because, as I told a bloggy friend when I responded to her email today, I am NOT FUCKING KIDDING ANYMORE.

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*Don't panic, I am not in any physical danger. Mo is an ass, but he's not a violent one.

Two Steps Forward, One (Major) Step Back

*Please be forewarned, this is a very lengthy post. If you've not got time, come back later. My feelings won't be hurt, I promise!
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I knew it was coming.

Mo's college friend, a fellow "Good Guy" who does "Bad Things" (i.e. staying out way too late to do anyone any good) was coming into town. He was bringing his girlfriend, and her daughter. They were to stay with us over the 4th, enjoying BBQ's and good times.

I know about his propensity for spending time in bars, so before he even arrived I asked Mo, "Are you going out?" I wanted to prepare myself for whatever the evening had in store.

"No," he assured me. "I'm not going to put all that on you." Meaning, of course, leaving me at home to entertain the girlfriend and daughter while he and his friend acted like single college guys out on the town.

Stupid, stupid me -- I actually believed him.

As I am writing this post at 1:30 in the morning, you can clearly guess how this situation turned out.

What pisses me off the most is that he had the nerve to call me into the bedroom to "talk" before he left. Like what was the fucking point? (I'm sorry, I don't usually swear, but I am, well, pissed). I told him that, too. Why ask my permission? We both knew it wouldn't matter what I said -- if I was mad or not -- he was going to do what he wanted to do. He swore he'd be home early. As they didn't leave until after 1, I doubt that.

I didn't hold back. I told him how stupid I felt for believing his promises. I told him how this was just another example of him choosing his friends over me. I told him that I was foolish for believing him, over and over again, thinking that one of these days he would GROW UP.

He said something very revealing then.

"I thought being grown up was taking care of your bills and stuff."

Huh.

"You don't take care of ME, " I replied.

"Oh, I don't?"

"No. You pay your half of the bills, but as far as my NEEDS go, you don't take care of those."

He tried to turn it around on me then, as I knew he would. Our little argument is a perfect excuse for him to feel justified in going out and staying out as long as he feels like it. "Fuck this," he said. And off he and Friend went. (It should be noted that Friend couldn't look me in the eye on the way out -- he knows he is the driving force behind it this time, and knew I was not happy about it).

This feels like a breaking point for me. It may seem stupid, and I know Mo will play it off as a minor thing. But to me, it's not even about being a good host and doing what your guest wants to do. It's about Mo's continuous choices to do whatever the hell he wants and his expectations that I will still be here when he gets back.

I have five days until I go home for two weeks to visit my family (including my niece). Five days until I can get enough space to think a bit more clearly, without constantly worrying about Mo and his state of mind. I'm tempted to try to find a friend I can stay with until then. The only problem is that all of "my" friends are "our" friends. If I tell them everything that is going on, Mo will be embarrassed and upset. Of course, right now I am upset, so why am I worried about how he is going to feel? He certainly isn't worried about my feelings. Plus, technically, I don't have a car right now. My car is in the shop getting the A/C worked on. It should be able to be picked up tomorrow -- but guess who is going to have to take me to go get it?

I really am at a loss as to what to do. I have choices -- I keep telling myself that. I don't HAVE to put up with this. I can find someone to take me to get my car, I can find a hotel if I need to for the next five days. Or I can play the good hostess, make sure Mo's family and friends have a good time (knowing the entire time that MY ability to have a good time has been eroded over the years to the point where it's next to impossible to relax), then leave on Monday.

But then what? What happens when I come back in two weeks? Mo has already refused to leave, as I have asked him to in the past when things got rough. The house (which is in both our names) is mortgaged only in my name. If I leave, I run the risk of losing both my credit and the house -- because how will I know if he's paying the note? I can't afford to continue to pay the mortgage AND pay for an apartment. And it doesn't seem fair that I should give up the house that I pressed so hard for us to buy, that I did all of the paperwork for, that we wouldn't even have if I hadn't pushed and pushed and pushed, insisting that this was the ONLY way we'd ever have enough money to finance our fertility treatments.

I know some of you are sitting there reading this (if you've bothered to get this far) and are thinking "What the hell is her problem? Why doesn't she just LEAVE already? My ass would have been long gone." And I get that. I really do. I just don't have the answer. Why haven't I left? Mo clearly isn't working very hard to keep me here. Sure, he makes promises and acts contrite for a few days, but then he is back to his old habits.

I need more. I need to know that he is willing to work to save this marriage. This weekend might not be the best time to tell him that, as I do feel a sort of obligation to be a good hostess to our guests (damn that Southern upbringing!) But I just don't think he truly GETS it that I am at my breaking point. Not only do I not want to live like this, I no longer think that I CAN.

I am emotional right now, I know. I always feel this way when he "ditches" me and goes out with his buddies late at night. When I'm emotional I tend to see only the bad and none of the good. But part of me wonders -- does the good outweigh the bad anymore?

When we were in therapy last fall, and I still wasn't ready to give up on our marriage, my mother told me that I wouldn't be able to walk away until I was sure I had done everything in my power to save it.

The thing is, I finally feel like I have.

Frustrated

That's how I feel today. The reasons are myriad, and I don't really feel like going into them right now. Suffice it to say that having people do things according to THEIR schedule (as opposed to mine) is irritating to say the least. Does this make me a control freak? Perhaps. We've already established codependent tendencies, so that's not really a surprise.

The difference today is not how I am feeling, but how I am handling it. I'm taking a minute to acknowledge that I'm frustrated, then I'm finding something else to do. I'm blogging, I'm reading, I'm cleaning the kitchen.

Instead of stewing, I'm trying to keep moving. So even if the feelings are familiar, the reaction that I'm choosing is different. That's not to say that I'm suppressing my feelings, because we all know how well that works. I'm not trying to do anything with my frustration except acknowledge that it's there. But I am also not erupting, I'm not fixing anything, and I'm not forcing the issue.

Baby steps here, people.

Um. . .WHAT?!?

Proof that his reality is nothing like mine:

Mo: "Whatcha doin?"

Jo: "Watching Braveheart."

Mo: "Me, too!" (he is in the bedroom, I am in the living room. He calls me to carry on this conversation -- another issue entirely)

Mo: "I was just thinking. . . "

Jo: "Mhmm?"

Mo: "What do you think about renewing our vows? While the Reverend is still alive?"

Jo: "Ummm. . .what?"


I mean, REALLY.

Words, Words, Words

Words! Words! Words!
I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you!
Is that all you blighters can do?

--excerpt from "Show Me" from My Fair Lady

Before Mo left last night, he trivialized his choice. "It's having a beer with the guys, or a divorce, huh?" he asked. No, I told him. It's a pattern of behavior that you're unwilling to change. It's acting like you are single, when in fact, you are not. The people he is hanging out with aren't married, aren't as old as he is, don't have half of what he has.

I told him that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. And that, in fact, it was impossible to have both. That he had to pick one or the other.

And then he left.

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But then he called. Not long after posting this, my phone rang. Before I could even say hello, Mo was telling me that he was on his way home. "You're right. There's nothing out here for me. I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you."

I listened, without saying much. He said the refrain I've heard many times before. How he always thinks going out and having a drink will make him feel better, but how it never does. How he has everything he has always wanted, and he doesn't know why he's screwing it up.

He came home, and talked some more. I finally went to bed around 2 a.m., only to be awakened a while later with more talk. Although it is all the words I long to hear, I'm beginning to get tired of it. Words without action are meaningless.

After listening for a long time, I finally told him so. "I know it's trite, but it's true. Actions speak louder than words." I rolled over and went to sleep.

For now, Mo seems to be making the right choices. Does he really mean what he says? I think he does. Is he able to follow through? I'm not sure. I guess time will tell. In the meantime, I'm about ready to stick my fingers in my ears and "lalalalalala -- I can't hear you!" for the rest of the day.

Too bad I'm not as graceful as Audrey in making my point. Ah, if only life were a musical, with the song and dance followed up by a happy (if unrealistic) ending.

Choices

I'm not terribly proud of the ones that I have made, or that I continue to make. I choose to stay in a marriage that doesn't satisfy me, in hopes that one day it will. I choose to stay with a man who doesn't meet my needs, in hopes that I can find them met elsewhere (that sounds much worse than it is -- I'm not speaking of physical needs, here). I choose to stay with a man who is, at this moment, out boozing it up with his friends for the fourth night this week while I sit at home by myself. Why?

Because the thing I want most is just out of reach. It's THERE. Seven years of infertility about to culminate in The Big Guns, our first real chance at having a baby. Everything I have worked so hard for, have waited so long for, is right there. I can see it. How on earth can I be expected to give up, to walk away NOW?

Will having a child fix my marriage? Of course not. Will it fix me? I hope so.

I hope that having a baby can fill the aching hole in my chest. I hope that raising a child can bring me the joy that is lacking in my everyday life. I hope that finally seeing those elusive two lines, feeling life inside of my empty womb, holding an infant inside my aching arms can bring me the peace that I have sought for so long.

I know that raising children is difficult, that there are lots of pains and trials associated with it. That it is in no way easier AFTER you have kids. That I am supposed to have my shit together before I even think about reproducing. But I also know, deep down in my very soul, that I am meant to be a mother. THAT is my purpose. It's what I've wanted as long as I can remember.

Being forced to give that up, to walk away from my dream when it is so damn close, is probably the cruelest joke the universe has played on me yet.

Pleasantly Surprised

Thank you all for your support and comments this weekend. I was truly very pleasantly surprised that no one (yet anyway) told me that I was being pathetic and stupid. Because, honestly, that's how I feel sometimes. Several good questions were raised in the comments, and I will address them in time. For now, I am simply decompressing, and trying to be good to me.

Of course I ended up exploding at Mo later Saturday night/Sunday morning. I can take only so much, and eventually no matter how hard I try to stay calm and unemotional, my passionate side takes over and out it all comes!

I actually went as far as to pack a suitcase. This isn't as decisive as it sounds, as I have a trip home to see my niece, A. this week already planned. But, it made me feel better to tell Mo that I needed some time to clear my head, to evaluate the situation.

As he slept most of Sunday, I've had plenty of time to think. There's lots rolling about in my head -- more than I can put into a single post. The underlying premise, though, is that I am not going to make any sudden decisions. When I am calm, and not caught up in my emotions, I do believe that making my marriage work is not only possible, but a very rewarding thing. I know that I need to work on finding myself again -- not just for me, but for both of us. Mo deserves an independent, well-rounded and confident partner as much as I deserve to be all of those things.

I also told Mo that I felt that he was backing me into a corner -- that his choices were forcing me to react, and to do things that I didn't really want to do. As I re-read my post, I see lots of "shoulds". Reading your comments has helped me realize that I am, perhaps, "shoulding" myself to death. I keep focusing on how things should be, instead of how they are, or even how I want them to be. It's hard for me to accept that things aren't black and white -- that there may not be a "right" thing to do.

And so I'm back where I was, and yet not. I am still working on letting go, on growing up and becoming more myself, whatever that may be. A few weeks(months?) ago I wrote about how stuck I was feeling. I don't feel that way anymore. Superficially I may be in the same place, but emotionally, spiritually, I am beginning to move forward. Where exactly I am headed, I still don't know. But I'm glad I have you, my bloggy friends, to help me along the way.

I'll Probably Regret This In The Morning

I'm not really an "in the moment" poster. I prefer to wait, to let my emotions and feelings settle a bit, to take the time to play with my words and to get things "right" before putting it out there for all the world to see.

Tonight I am too upset to do that. I may regret this tomorrow (in fact I probably will), but tonight I need to get my thoughts in order. And this blog is how I *intended* to do that all along. So here goes.

Mo is out right now. For the third night in a row. (By out, I don't mean at a bar or club -- he is at a friend's house nearby.) This is a recurring theme in our marriage, one that has caused a lot of strife. It is not the source of our problems, but rather a symptom. I hate being "left behind" and he needs more "space" than I do. I can't help comparing us to other couples (a bad idea, I know). I know that few (if any) people that we know would tolerate this behavior. And yet I have for years, and continue to do so. It bothers me because tonight we had a really great night; in fact, we did last night, too. But each night, after the evening with friends was over, he went to see a buddy "for just a little bit". Wednesday he was out until 4:30 in the morning. Last night he came in about 1:00 a.m, then proceeded to play online poker until 7 a.m. Tonight -- who knows.

I am trying so hard to "let go", and failing miserably tonight. I did call him shortly after he left and calmly explained that I wasn't happy about his choice. I know that is all that I can do. And yet I am still insanely frustrated. Why, why, why does he do this? How can he listen to me explain my hurt and then still so easily walk away?

The thing I hate most is feeling backed into a corner. I know that I should establish boundaries, and that he should have consequences. But I feel like I'm not ready to leave this marriage. And, honestly, after all this time, what other consequence is there? I either put up, or get out. I can't control him, I can't expect him to change. I either have to accept and live with it, or not.

It's the "or not" that scares me. I honestly love my husband. I enjoy his company. Our marriage is good most of the time. Yes, it has been a hell of a rollercoaster at times, but I truly believe he is a good man. He loves me, and supports me. I don't believe he is, or ever has, cheated on me. And yet, I am beginning to believe that I deserve better. I deserve a husband who wants to be home with me, watching "The Late Show" and not playing poker or hanging out with unmarried buddies 10 years younger than he is into the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe all this "self-help" stuff has me overanalyzing things. I don't know anymore. Is this normal behavior in a marriage? I somehow doubt it. Should we even be talking about having kids? Maybe not. And yet, part of me must honestly believe that he has it in him to grow up and be a good father --- why else would I be investing the time and money into this?

One of my books quoted a psychologist who said 98% of families are dysfunctional. Is that what we are destined to be? I sorely hope not, and yet secretly fear it. If he hasn't changed in eight years, why would the birth of a child make anything different?

We all make choices. He has made his, and I have made mine. Good or bad, whether you agree with them or not, I'm here because I choose to be. The crux of the matter is why I choose to stay. Is it love? Is it fear? (Not of him, but of the unknown, of being alone?) Am I a loyal wife or a naive doormat?

I fear that what I paint here is not an accurate picture. Mo is a good man, honestly he is. He has Issues. I have issues. Hell, we all do. The question is: at what point do you decide that enough is enough? Do you ever regret giving up and wish you had stuck it out?

I wish I had a crystal ball and could see what the next ten years has in store. If I only knew how it all came out, perhaps I wouldn't feel so damn lost.

Letting Go (Part 4)

Finally realizing what was wrong with ME was the most relieving (is that a word?)experience I've had recently. Finding out what to do about it was the most freeing. It's like I've been holding my breath for months -- and now I can breathe again. I quote below from an internet article at Livestrong.com (emphasis added by me). Reading it was my Oprah "aha!" moment. Who said you can't find quality information online?

What is detachment?

Detachment is:

* The ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving another person "the space'' to be herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

* The willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.

* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

* The process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

* The ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

* Placing all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

* The ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* The ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* The ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

* The ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.